The Customer is Always God

Words cannot possibly express how pain free it is shopping in Japan. 

You know those times when you really need some assistance but the staff are nowhere to be found?  Or when you need to check out in a hurry but nobody seems to feel like working in a hurry?  You know what shopping in a Wal-Mart feels like?  That kind of crap doesn't happen in Japan.  (Just don't try to exchange anything or bend the rules, because no matter how nice they want to be, they won't break the rules for you)

I don't think it's necessarily that Japanese people are better than everyone else...okay, that's a lie.  I don't think they are so much genetically superior as I believe that their culture encourages working as a team and being a productive member of society rather than an independent narcissist who only cares about themselves...so yes, Japanese are better people.  Where was I going with this??

Oh yes, shopping in Japan is like visiting a strip club.  Everyone is super nice and attractive, but in the end it is a business.  But also like a strip club, it doesn't really matter why you are getting magnificent service. Whether the staff really want to be nice or sleep with you is irrelevant. You will be treated like 神様 regardless. 

Even the vending machines in Japan treat their customers with the utmost respect.  Not only do they work ALL the time, but I've never even had to try more than once to put my money into the machine.  None of that creasing your bills on the side of the vending machine nonsense in Japan!  Even though vending machines are SUPER convenient, I still prefer to interact with human beings...partly because its difficult to practice Japanese with a machine, but mostly because Japanese girls are way more attractive than vending machines. 

Last time I went to Colorful in Kobe looking for a Japanese Snuggie and some Yamazaki 12 year I got world class treatment.  And not that patronizing 'you're a foreigner so lets be extra nice to him because he's probably lost' treatment, this was the real deal...Or as real as 5 star treatment can be coming from a staff member being paid to be helpful.  Am I being bitter now?  Seriously, somebody tell me, I don't even know anymore...At least I have a Japanese Snuggie.

I don't joke about things like that.

発泡酒 Where do we go from here?

What started as a ploy to avoid beer tax seems to have gotten out of hand.  The more I shop around for beer and its cheaper substitutes, the more I am surprised by the creativity of avoiding the beer tax.  I get it though, because nobody anywhere wants to pay more than twice the money for a six pack of real beer.  But at some point when they coined the phrase "3rd Beer" (第三のビール), somebody had to raise their hand and ask what the hell was going on...

6-Pack of Real Beer: $14, Happoshu: $8.50...not a difficult decision

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Happoshu, but a "beer like beverage" did not sound good at all when I first heard about it.   I guess I should consider myself lucky that I had Happoshu accidentally before I knew what it was, because I may have been turned off by the idea.   Ever since I've had this delicious hangover juice, I've never looked back!

That's a thing of beauty

おすすめは？

Kirin's Nodogoshi nama (のどごし生) is made with soy beans and is actually not that bad.  Other 3rd beers are made with other forms of protein, but I'm having trouble keeping track.  Lately I've been picking this and other Happoshu brands over other beer just due to curiosity.  Asahi Clear is also good, but as I recall the Asahi Aqua was only maa-maa. 

Of the ones above only the Nodogoshi Nama is 3rd beer.  3rd Beer goes beyond the limits of Happoshu and skips the use of malt entirely and you would think this would sacrifice taste, but its growing on me and I bet it will grow on you too.  3rd Beers like スリムス are even using the lower calories of 3rd beer as a selling point.  That's not a huge selling point for me, but since beer is a HUGE part of Japanese drinking culture, it likely pays to go with a lower calorie beverage.  All you have to do is ignore the fact that it is not beer, and just enjoy these drinks for what they are; a cheap and hopefully tasty beverage to start off a good evening.


If you've ever had a reasonably priced beer in Japan, you've probably had Happoshu or possibly 3rd Beer and didn't even notice, because reasonable priced beer is hard to come by. This goes without saying but despite Happoshu/3rd Beer being dirt cheap, it still beats every Bud and Miller product I've ever tasted.  

Now to put all this information to good use.  Go out and get a bit tipsy!  べろべろになろう！

What Commercials Are Teaching Us

Japanese TV and I have never really seen eye to eye.  Seriously Japan, why do you spend, literally, millions of dollars to produce commercials while spending what looks like $3.75 on the drama that these commercials air after.  Commercials are blockbuster quality yet Japanese dramas make American soap operas look like the latest Michael Bay film...but I digress.

Japanese commercials have given me a lot of insight into Japanese culture.  Not everything I learn watching CMs is positive, but I'm always learning.  This got me thinking about what other Americans, especially those not living in Japan, think about these commercials.  And if you flip that, what are Japanese learning from the garbage America produces?

Well I got a partial answer the other night when Tosh aired a Japanese commercial in which Tommy Lee Jones in singing.  There's no doubt that he looks completely out of place, but the commercial is supposed to be kinda serious yet just Jones' presence makes it funny to Americans.  Those Japanese sure are weird!  Yet Tommy Lee Jones has been doing commercials in Japan for years, and has become quite the icon.  Just thinking of the name Tommy Lee Jones makes me want a boss coffee.

I'll join him on the rainbow mountain any day

By the same token, American commercials are teaching Japanese that American men are only smart enough to order dollar food and also pansies who can't even voice an opinion to women.  Like this McDonald's commercial where some unfortunate bastard is afraid of getting kicked out of his house for considering Sundays are a good day for football.  I hope Japanese women don't watch too many of these American commercials and start thinking that's acceptable behavior...

Speaking of McDonald's, here is a Japanese McDonald's commercial.  Not only are they introducing something new, the shrimp filet, but its cheerful and the woman is happy not emasculating some poor sap.  And this commercial teaches us that Japanese women are adorable, and that you don't need to actually show any food to sell it.   Sure sex sells, but Japan doesn't really go for full on sex.  They usually go for ridiculously cute.  From this you can conclude that Japan has a strong kawaii culture while keeping up conservative appearances and not talking about actual sex.  See, we're learning!

Even if you've never been to Japan, you can just type CM into youtube, check out some videos and let the learning begin.   

あなたと居酒屋ファミリーマート

I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but Family Mart is one of the best Bars/Izakaya in town.

In the past, I've always used convenience stores as a cheap means of getting my evening started. Its cheaper, and drinking on the street is legal, so why not? Even a tall boy of strong chu-hai, around 8 or 9%, is just over 200yen. Not a bad price considering even the cheapest of izakaya (Torikizoku?) is 280 yen for a weak chu-hai or fake beer.

On one particular evening in Osaka, a buddy and I hit up the local Family Mart in Umeda. It started as just a way to kill some time and rest up after hiking up 20 floors of a new mall but after our second tall boy of chu-hai, it occurred to us that we had everything we need right there in the Family Mart.  Air Conditioning, seating, beer, and snacks all in one convenient location.  The only thing you're really missing is service, but if you're too drunk to get up and get your own drink you've probably had enough anyway....or you just need to kindly ask someone to get it for you.  It's Japan, they can't say no!

Okay, maybe getting drunk in the Family Mart isn't 'classy' enough for you.  Okay Mr Money Bags, head two blocks down the street to the Rikimaru.  Everything there is 300 yen.  Its also about the closest you'll get to a 'hibachi' restaurant in Japan.  The chef won't do any knife or egg flipping nonsense, but he will cook your food right in front of you (upstairs private seating also available).  All you have to do is just shout at him and tell him what you want.  Its a pretty sweet place and its ALWAYS crowded.  And don't forget the pièce de résistance: The Ramune Chuhai.  

I didn't mean to start plugging every restaurant in Osaka, I just thought I'd share a few trade secrets to the cheap folks out there.  I know PLENTY of places to drink that are expensive, but why spend 30,000 yen for an evening when you can have ten 3000 yen evenings.  Think about it.

Kakigoori - かき氷

Holy crap, it is the end of September and Japan is still hot. August is the worst but Japan seems to be hot and humid throughout the entire summer.  It doesn't help that stores and train stations are cutting down on energy use by using less AC.

If your like me, a gross sweaty gaijin, you will be ベタベタ(sticky) just minutes after taking an ice cold shower. But there are a few ways to battle the heat that I am picking up from the nihonjin that seem to have a much easier time than my gaijin counterparts.

1) uchiwa.- These are cheap plastic fans that you can get free just by finding the right street corner.  On any given day, dozens of unfortunate Japanese folks stand in the blistering heat and hand out fans and tissues to passers by.  The fans and packs of tissues are supposed to be a means of advertisement, but I don't even look at what they say anymore.  Nevertheless a free disposable fan is much appreciated on a hot humid day.

2) wash cloth- its kind of ojiisan-poi, but I would strongly recommend carrying around a wash cloth with you at all times during the summer.  You can pick them up anywhere for about 100yen, and it helps to mop the sweat from your face.  Seriously, I sweat more in Japan than I do anywhere else, but the kakigoori makes it worth it.  Which brings me to...

3) kakigoori - Shaved ice.  Damn I love this stuff.  It is not too different from what you can find in America (its just shaved ice and syrup) but the flavors are certainly Japanese and they sell it everywhere in the summer.  Green tea is alright but I'm a sucker for イチゴミルク (strawberry milk).

Dericious

4) be Japanese.  Lastly, it really helps to be Japanese.  The only Japanese people I see that actually sweat are old (in their 50's).  Everyone claims to be hot (I guarantee you'll hear 'atsui' more than 100 times a day) but you don't really see them sweat.  Since I'm not Japanese, I utilize the shower option at the internet cafes and use free cologne at Loft because Japan is a hot sticky mess that is unforgiving to gaijin.  That being said, I freakin love this country. 

Snack Time

Now for a section I'll call J Train's Snack Time Review....It has been a slow day.

At times, Japan's economy seems to run entirely on food. Because of this, I eat more than my fair share of snack food.  Much of my excessive munching comes from the fact that tons of snack foods are both seasonal and regional in Japan. This is great if you like a fantastic selection, but sucks once you find something delicious because it will not be around forever.  For this reason, when I see something that looks good, I buy it in bulk and I suggest you do the same.  I still have dreams about those apple flavored Kit Kat that go away...

My top 5 favorite snacks (until they disappear in favor of something new) in no particular order are as follows.

Jyagariko, Cheese Curry Flavor:  I've always been a huge fan of Jyagariko.  The Ume flavor was pretty good, but that was seasonal a while back, so I haven't seen it again.  You can always find Salad and Cheese flavors, but they get old after a while.  Cheese curry isn't very spicy, but you can definitely taste the Japanese curry.  Buy these before they're gone!

Wild Curry Pringles.  Yes, wild curry.  They aren't too spicy, but you can definitely taste the curry.  It has more of a Japanese curry than an Indian curry taste, but that is to be expected.  I've been dipping these in hummus and its ridiculously すばらしい!

 Lime Soda Gummy.  I've loved Pure Gumi since I had them 4 years ago. They are kind of like Sour Patch Kids, just with more unique flavors and you can find them EVERYWHERE.  Check out the above website, they have Lemon, Grape, Bitter Orange Squash, and Lemon Cola flavors.  Bet you didn't think I would say Bitter Orange Squash.  Kudos Japan.

Tomorokoshi Pretz.  For you gaijin, that means a thin pretzel flavored like corn and eel sauce (tomorokoshi).  Real tomorokoshi is popular around festival time.  It is just grilled corn and they top it with sweet-ish sauce, but will cost you around 300yen on the street.  Thank you Pretz for making this flavor much more affordable.

Don't be confused, the "BEER" label at the top of the bag just implies that it is good with beer.  I love how you can actually advertise that in Japan.  You hear that kids?  Buy these pretzels, they're great with booze!

Last and certainly not least, Umaibo.  For just 10yen you can buy yourself an over-sized Cheetoh.  Well, not a real Cheetoh, one of those fake cheese curls.  They have cheese, teriyaki,banana chocolate, kimchi and other sweet flavors and are sold in just about every convenience store, supermarket, and UFO catcher.  You'll know what I'm talking about when you see the guy on the package that totally looks like Doraemon but isn't doraemon.  I love Jyagariko but sometimes the prospect of 16 giant cheetohs for the same price as one Jyagariko is too hard to resist, especially when you can buy 16 completely different flavors.  And they're great with Chu-hai kids!


I guess the only thing left to say is "why can't I buy these things outside Japan??"  America had Wasabi Doritos for about a month but then they disappeared from the face of the earth.  Does anyone know if they still sell those?  They were delicious!!  The only company that seems to actually be trying are Skittles...Too bad I only use skittles to make Skittle Vodka...

Seriously Japan, really???

I just watched ダーリングは外国人 and a terrible commercial for a smartphone in japan. Both of which had a black dude (黒人) that I've seen in on ultra wifi posters in various train stations. Well, I made the mistake of asking why he was in those commercials/movie...and nobody can freakin tell me.

Does nobody else see whats odd about this picture??

 I'll give you a hint, it has nothing to do with the robot

Seriously though, Japan is not too big on asking questions, so it would not surprise me if this dude just showed up the day they were filming this commercial and nobody wanted to tell him to get out of the way of the camera.

Anyway, besides this mysterious black dude, the movie ダーリングは外国人 was okay, for a Japanese movie.  The first 30 minutes were kind of interesting, and I could definitely relate to a lot of the experiences.  It seems like every gaijin in Japan has a problem speaking Japanese.  Not because it's hard to speak it, but because as soon as you open your mouth people expect to hear English.  Even if you're the most fluent gaijin in Japan, nobody will 'hear' your Japanese.  Its a really weird phenomenon and this movie opens with this sort of exchange within the first 5 minutes.

The movie is based on a manga (or an Anime?), so throughout the movie they show little cartoon clips that look like this.  To keep the mood light, they also show brief clips of interracial couples (Japanese women and some kind of foreigner) who share little stories about their relationship.  That's a cute idea, except EVERY gaijin was a total goober.  The main character Tony was the only one who represented us gaijin in a good light. 

Like I said, the first 30 minutes were kind of interesting, then the movie kind of drags on, so don't feel bad if you fall asleep, I certainly did!

So if you're a cool gaijin in Japan, give this movie a try, and then go out and continue to be awesome to offset some of the damage caused by this movie. 

きれいな京都

Kyoto, unlike Tokyo, never disappoints me or steals my money. Kyoto is a fine whiskey that always goes down smooth. Kyoto is a gorgeous high school girl that can keep a secret...okay, its getting a little weird. My point is that Kyoto is still my favorite city in Japan.

Kyoto is absolutely beautiful. From the girls working at OPA, to the scenic views on the outskirts of the city, this place just reeks of sexiness. What I love the most is that you can see tons of cool temples, parks, and bars just by walking from Sanjo Station (on the Keihan Line) or Kawaramachi Station (Hankyu Line). From those stations, OPA mall, 3 clubs, and Shakey's Pizza are about a 5 minute walk. Kiyomizu Temple, Yasaka Shrine and Maruyama Park are about a 30 minute walk that is completely uphill.

Last week I hit up all of the above mentioned spots in just a few hours. The best place to relax after the long walk is right on the river. Grab a friend, some Chu-hai, and some Jyagariko and you've got yourself an evening.

Because Kyoto is so chill, there is always something going on by the river. This particular evening there was a dude dancing with fire while his friend slaved away on the bongos....I'm sure you can guess which one got the girls.

Try and dance without bongos, asshole.

I could write for days about Kyoto...so I think I will. Stay tuned.

コンビ二 you let me down

Well, after my first night back in Tokyo after 3 years, I woke up in less than stellar shape. Naturally, I headed to the nearest conbini, which was only 2 minutes away....and they had absolutely nothing for my pounding headache (頭がガンガンしていた).

For real Japan? Your conbinis are half the reason I have a hangover, and your conbinis have EVERYTHING! How could I have missed this before? I suppose I was blinded by the vast selection of bread, desserts, beer, snacks, facial wash, magazines, onigiri, gum, hair wax, makeup, t-shirts, cell phone chargers, chu-hai, cup noodles, and thousands of genki drinks.

Even my phone was hungover when I took this picture

I had to walk about 20 minutes towards the station, passing 2 Lawsons and 3 Family Marts, just to get to a drug store. I really should have brought my bike to Tokyo.

If you need medicine, look for the 薬 sign. Drug stores (yakkyoku 薬局) will have everything you need to treat your hangover, and any other ailment you may be experiencing. Heads up though, Japanese medicine will help you fight your colds, but many of my American friends who grew up taking antibiotics with their morning cereal are not satisfied with the strength of Japanese medicine.

Yakkyoku also tend to have cheaper prices on snacks than conbinis. Its not uncommon to find Jyagariko and Onigiri Senbei for around 60-80 yen where prices are as high as 160yen in conbinis. The down side is that yakkyoku are few and far between compared to the Family Marts on every corner, so stock up on that ibuprofen and Pocari Sweat beforehand.

A 写真 is worth 千 words

Humor me and click this link. Or better yet, just look about 2 inches down and check out this picture from google maps. I'm planning out a tokyo trip and stumbled upon this picture that says more about Japan than you probably realize. There is so much to be learned from this photo, so just take a second to soak it in.
I'm sure you noticed a few things but now I'm going to dissect this picture from left to right and point out everything that is Japan.

1) Black suit brown shoes. Everyone wears brown shoes with all spectrum's of suit colors. Its cool, so get used to it.

2)Green pay phone. Since its a payphone, its really old. They take coins and magnetic phone cards, but not all of them make international calls. Whatever, you won't need these paleolithic era contraptions.

3) Recycling bins. If you think it sucks separating the paper out of your recycling then you won't enjoy Japan's take on it. Green tea and soda bottles come with perforated labels so you can peel them off and separate them easier. And don't you dare put the burnable trash in with the plastic trash...

4) People reading magazines without buying them. This is grounds for being shot in most stateside convenience stores, but you see this EVERYWHERE in Japan. The only magazines worth buying come with free porn dvd's inside....I wish I was kidding.

5) Parking Spaces? Oh right, there are none...city life baby! Get a bike or walk, cause you're going to pay a small fortune to put gas in your ride and park it.

6) You can't see it, but this AMPM is owned by Family Mart, and Family Mart (like everything in Japan) has a catchy jingle. Go ahead and listen if you dare. Anata to conbini famiri- ma-to!!!

Thankfully AM/PM's jingle isn't as good

Well, now I have to go drink heavily to get those songs out of my head. Excuse me.

Following the Rules

Japan is a country of rules. Whether they are written rules or unspoken is not exactly relevant, they will be followed just the same. I am of course speaking in generalities, but if you’ve spent any time in Japan you’ll notice that the vast majority of its citizens follow society’s laws, a definite shock to those from America. These rules, and the ability to actually follow them, make Japan a peaceful and harmonious place even in big cities where there are 14,000 people / square mile. (4000/km^2 for those of you smart enough to know metric)


Much of what upsets me about Japan (which is not very much) stems from my desire to break rules and Japan not taking too kindly to that. In my head, rules are there for a reason: to govern people too stupid to know any better. Rules can also be broken when nobody is looking. In
Japan, the rules are for everyone. These rules, as a big picture provide a safe and cohesive Japan. The little picture involves it being 3 am with approximately 2 cars on the road, while people still wait for the light to tell you that its okay to cross the street. I certainly don’t do that, but many Japanese people do.

Even the more racist rules, like not letting us white folks in to bars and other establishments (usually bars where women are paid to talk to you), are followed without hesitation. It doesn't happen too often but it still stings every time I'm denied service for being white. But in the back of my mind I know that in the past some pompous businessmen came to Japan, couldn't keep their hands to themselves, and have forever ruined it for the rest of us.

In the wake of the recent earthquake/tsunami disaster, Japans conviction has been commended in many news reports. And speaking of news reports, there are rules for that too. Rather than
sensationalize the disaster (I’m looking at you CNN, FOX, NBC, everyone else), there is a method of reporting in which you give the facts and try to invoke as little panic as possible. This of course makes the news reports a little more boring, but it’s a nice feeling being able to listen to the news and actually believe some of what is being said.

Changes in Perception

I can’t stress enough how much my perception of Japan changed over the years. It truly does surprise me. It makes me wonder how much of the stuff I believe about Europe and South America is completely untrue. Though, I’m pretty sure Germans wearing socks and sandals is fact…and gross.

Here are some minute and detailed things I didn’t realize were completely unfounded.
For starters, I was under the impression that Japanese people were bento eating, judo knowing, train riding, fetish loving, anime watching smart people. I could not have been more wrong. I can’t think of one Japanese person that fits all of these characteristics. In fact, some of these attributes, like anime and fetishes, are such a minority that it makes no sense why I would have ever believed that.

Eating bento, Japanese box lunch, though fairly common, is not quite as popular as I first imagined. Many department stores and some restaurants sell these pre-made lunches with many different dishes in their own compartments, but they don’t seem to be as popular as grabbing a quick bowl of ramen or gyuudon. My perception may be skewed by the fact that eating bento is not really done in public places, but I’m pretty sure this is not the most popular method of eating lunch.

Much to my dismay, martial arts is about as popular in Japan as it is in America, so being a black belt does not do much for my nanpa game. Weak.

Okay, I was basically right about riding trains, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t cars in Japan, just fewer. Trains are awesome and efficient, but they are by no means the only way to travel in Japan. Taxis, buses, my friends’ cars, and bicycles are just as important to my travel in Japan as trains are. Plus, if you want to see what rural Japan has to offer, or the beach, good luck finding a train that goes there.

Another popular myth was that Anime in Japan has more cursing and violence than what you see on cartoon network. Well, more cursing would be quite a feat since Japanese doesn’t really have any curse words. Kuso, chikusho, kisama, are loosely interpreted as shit, son of a bitch, asshole respectively. However...
Kuso can also be used pretty lightly, depending on intonation. Like 'mekuso' can be used to describe the crap that's in your eyes when you wake up.
Chikusho, is now pretty outdated, and just means beast. I guess it’s crude by Japanese standards, but by no means a four letter word.

I'm getting off topic but I'll close with words I've learned that do offend people.

Kisama and Omae are fairly rude things to call someone to their face (they literally mean 'you'...just a rude version). They aren't curse words per se, but are good at getting a rise out of people nonetheless. Myself and my other bromodachi use Omae when talking to women, because why not?

When you want to refer to some other asshole across the room, aitsu is a good choice.

Backwards Japan

Let’s face it, Japan is bassackwards. Rules that govern life in America, and the rest of the world, generally don’t apply in Japan. America is getting fatter while Japan is getting skinnier. The dollar is getting weaker while the yen gets stronger. You are probably aware of these already, so let me hit you with some knowledge about the less well known “rules” that Japan doesn’t know how to follow.

Construction workers get chicks, while wearing parachute pants. Think I'm joking about the parachute pants?

I was not.

That alone tends to exclude you from contact with women outside of a 80’s throwback party. Seriously though, Japanese construction workers get the best women. The most dolled up, gorgeous chicks are joined to these tan, Japanese MC Hammer lookalikes. I believe a lot of it has to do with Japanese construction works have muscles and tans, which are quite the opposite of the average Japanese guy.

Houses typically drop in value. Housing in Japan is a bit different, to say the least. First of all. there is little space for them. Secondly, they generally are not designed to last. Japan is constantly growing up, and expanding while natural disasters tear it down. There is just no
point in trying to design a house that will last more than a decade. Much like cars in America, houses tend to depreciate in value rather quickly (I'm not saying they are cheap, they just don't retain their value very well). I’ve seen many cases where houses are simply torn down and rebuilt, because it’s cheaper than renovating.

Crime and drug use is low while AIDS is high. Japan is very good at getting the ‘drugs are bad’ propaganda out there, but strangely silent when it comes to sex education. It may just be my experiences, but I know several Japanese girls who actually started having sex before knowing how you get pregnant. Most of these fine young ladies lost their virginity around 13. This is a combination of the Japanese tradition of not talking about anything real, and old people running the government. If there is one thing old people are good at, its amnesia. All those old folks seem to think they grew up just fine, but they obviously didn’t because...

I don't get it.

This is a pretty big issue. If I received any good advice upon arriving at Kansai Gaidai, it was to WRAP IT UP. Plus, being on the pill is still kind of taboo in Japan (but its getting better), so its not worth the risk of having some slant eyed versions of yourself running around Japan.

Before I completely scare you, there is a trend lately of Japanese women getting so skinny that they stop having their period. Yes, Japanese women are frail, beautiful, and probably can't have kids. Perfect, right??

和牛

I'm thinking of a Japanese food. Beef in particular. It involves a cow that is fed a diet of beer and sake . This cow receives massages everyday so that its meat is tender and comes out in a nice marble pattern. What am I thinking of??

If you said Kobe Beef, I can't blame you. This is the most popular type of 和牛 (Wagyu, Japanese Beef) in America, but is by no means the only type of Japanese beef that receives this special massage and beer treatment. Also, Kobe Beef is pronounced Koh Bay, not Koh Bee

Not Beef

Yonezawa, Matsusaka, Mishima and Sanda are also famous Japanese beef brands, they are just not as well known in America. I haven't eaten any meat for some time now, so I have never tried these, but I don't think I would even want to. Not because of a moral objection, (because frankly these cows have a better life than I do) but a health and money conscious objection.

It is important to know that these meats, while insanely expensive, are not at all healthy. They are famous for their high fat-meat ratio. That marble pattern in the beef is a whole lot of fat, though it may not be possible to ingest enough to be unhealthy because you would go bankrupt before that would ever happen. Seriously, about 200 grams of this stuff is around 2万円. That's 8oz for $200 for you western folk.

Sure, you can justify that price if you really want to give this stuff a try....OR you could purchase chu-hais and beer for all your friends and not be a selfish jerk...just sayin'

Credit Cards

Credit Cards (クレジットカード) work a little bit differently in Japan. I was actually a little confused the first time I used a credit card in Japan so maybe this will clear some things up. I still use my American credit cards in Japan, its just a matter of communication.

In Japan, banks, paychecks, and credit cards work a bit differently. For example, most people receive no actual paycheck because money is directly deposited in their banks. This is only recently becoming more common in America. Japan also does not use checks...ever. I guess the idea of writing any dollar amount on a piece of paper and being able to use it sounds pretty retarded in the first place. Without checks, credit cards and bills just take the money right from your bank account, a practice that is also becoming more popular in America now.

"So whats the point of a credit card if they just deduct the money from your bank account?" you ask? That didn't quite make since to me either, until I heard the cashier ask me how many times I wanted to charge my purchase at the register. The number you pick is the amount of payments you'll be making. For example, if you say "5" on a purchase of $1000, around $200 per month will be deducted from your Japanese bank account. For those with American credit cards, its easier to just charge it once so that the full charge appears on your next bill.

I suppose people are better at planning for the future in Japan, because you must pick your payment plan at the time of purchase. Considering most jobs in Japan pay you every month, Japanese must be used to planning ahead already.

Shiba Ken vs Shiba Inu

Japan has some very ancient dog breeds. Which kind of makes sense because it is a very isolated island with a rich and long history. You have likely heard of at least one of these dogs, the Shiba Inu.

Shiba in Japanese means 'the most adorable thing you've ever goddamn seen'

If you have ever heard of the shiba inu, then you already know half of the actual Japanese name for this dog! The kanji for the Japanese Shiba is 柴犬. By themselves, the left kanji is pronounced 'shiba' and the right 'inu'. But, if you know anything about kanji you'll know that combining them creates new words and sounds.

人 (hito) + 口 (kuchi) = 人口　(Jinkou) : Population
親 (oya) + 友 (tomo) = 親友　(Shinyuu) : Close Friend
The list goes on and on, and Shibaken is no exception.


In Japan, everyone calls it a Shibaken. Though there is some debate about how the dog obtained the ‘shiba’ part of their name...

Side note, these dogs are pretty sweet. They look like small dingos and are a pretty popular breed in Japan due to its relatively small size and being a well known ancient dog originating in Japan.


The only problem is getting them to sit still....

Why Do You Love Japan?

This is a question asked of expats and general travelers alike (I was asked twice today). Unfortunately it is often a loaded question where the one asking is just waiting to refute whatever you have to say.

Myself: I love Japan because it’s the safest, most beautiful place I’ve ever been.

Some dude: Yeah, but we have guns and steak and cars. I can’t live without my cars, guns, and steak…

Myself: Well you can keep your guns and cars, I’ll take my 90lb women, cheap canned booze, and a reliable train system not covered in urine.

It is pretty easy to respond to loaded questions. If someone is generally interested in what you have to say, it is incredibly difficult to sum up Japan in 3-5 bullet points, but I did my best.

Seriously, even though Japan seems like one big city, it is squeaky clean. It has its fair share of sketchy , dirty back alleys and homeless people, but compared to Miami, New York, Vegas, Seoul, anywhere else I’ve ever been, Japan is the cleanest. You don’t see gum on the sidewalk. You don’t see newspapers and cigarette butts in the streets. You don’t see graffiti on the subway. You don’t see condoms in parking lots. Dare I go on?

Notice the lack of dog turds and Chinese takeout pamphlets.

You don’t need to drive. Not that driving is that much of a pain in the ass, but think about all the money you spend on a car, gas, maintenance, and insurance. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had that extra money in your pocket? Yes, trains, taxis and buses cost money, but you don’t really NEED to take these modes of transportation. Even in the outskirts of major cities a bar, grocery store, conbini, restaurant, or anywhere else is just a 20 min or less walk or a 10 minute bike ride. To add to that, there is ZERO need for a designated driver. Just take a second to soak that in. You can drink as much as you want, whenever you want and never have to worry about getting home. Lastly, though trains can take a bit of time, it is time that you can be productive. Emails, reading, stock exchange, whatever you can bring with you can be done during your commute. Also, Asians can't drive...Still no trash

I’ve never been in a better mood or better shape than in Japan. Not only is Japanese food inherently more healthy (yakiniku and corn mayonnaise pizza excluded) but the extra biking and walking does wonders. After a few short weeks in Japan you'll be one genki SOB. As a bonus, you are surrounded by a population just as skinny and sexy as you are.

True, Japan is not for everyone, but I believe a lot of this has to do with everyone being retarded.

変な自動販売機

Japan is often quoted as having the weirdest vending machines, and after looking at these 12, I’d say Japan probably still wins with the lobster vending machine (more like a UFO catcher really). I was happy to see that other countries made the list though.

I’d have to say the bike dispenser seems like a really sweet idea. This doesn’t have a place in Japan as everyone owns a bike already, but America could most definitely benefit from it.

Though it may seem like Japan goes out of their way to make ridiculously crazy or specific vending machines, they are there for a purpose. Japanese people have a different cultural background so while liquor, t-shirt, and banana vending machines sound weird in America, having vending machines that only sell food and sodas seems like a bunch of BS in Japan. Even the weird ones the US has to offer (like the pizza and live bait) are just different takes on food
convenience. To your defense America, the marijuana vending machine is pretty cool.

The above mentioned ‘t-shirt’ vending machines are found at Round 1, a multi-story playground of awesomeness. Round one has something for everyone, mini-bikes, video games, tennis courts, bowling, karaoke, batting cages, the list goes on. Coming straight from work, you don’t
want to hit the batting cages or risk wiping out your mini-bike in a suit. Why not pay a couple hundred yen for a t-shirt and shorts? Granted the t-shirts are so thin they’re practically see-through, its still better than wrapping your tie up in your mini-bike chain.

Its only a matter of time before they have neck brace vending machines.