Convenience-Mendokusai Duality

Japan, in it's infinitely confounding nature, is always trying to screw with me.  Once I think I have a handle on Japan it throws me a knuckle-ball and puts me in my place.

Take, for instance, the utterly insane convenience of this place.  Want a beer?  Just swing by a vending machine, or conbini, or pretty much anywhere and buy one.  Want to drink said beer and not have to worry about driving?  Take one of the thousand trains or buses that run on time, taxis that automatically open and close doors for you, rickshaws and bicycles waiting at your disposal (Jon Evans does not condone riding a bicycle while intoxicated).  Need to sober up and wash out your mouth after puking on that train?  Grab some food from a conbini, bento or ramen truck, izakaya, or yatai that is within stumbling distance.

250 Yen Bento/Soba.  Way to be awesome Japan.

Just woke up in a haze and you realized your rent is due? Too freaking bad.  Put yourself together because apartments and banks have never heard of the internet.  You gotta do this crap in person. Paying rent typically requires you to withdraw money, like cash money, and bring it to the bank to deposit into the owners account.  What a waste of time.  I would rather be homeless.  It is hard enough to do any online apartment research yourself because the housing websites are SOOO bad.

How about getting a job to pay for that apartment?  Well just submit a resume and see what happens. Oh, and that resume needs to be hand written.  Seriously Japan, you make the best electronics on the planet yet you can't seem to figure out that people like using computers.  I'm using one now and it's awesome.  WEEEEEEEEEE!  Now please just take my money straight from my bank account so I can sleep this hangover off.

Capsule Apartments and the Internet

Here we go again, look how whacky those crazy Japanese are!  People actually live in 1.5 jou capsule apartments!!!

Where do I begin...


Yes, some nights in Japan made me wonder how screwed up Japan actually is but what you have to realize is that Japanese people are just that; people.  Human people.  Japan is a country that kicks America's ass at everything important, so how 'weird' can they really be??  (The answer is actually Pretty Weird, but not weirder than most.)

Before I continue, let me stress that this is the internet where anything can, and often is, published before validating anything.  We've seen this with LED mouth lights, bagel heads,
Egypt Necrophilia law,  Obama is a 'muslim', and on and on.  Unfortunately as a result of the never ending quest for page views, most 'news' has lost its credibility.

So how about this crazy city of Tokyo (pronounced Tou Kyou - 2 syllables)?  Tokyo, like the internet, is large enough for anything to exist.  Tokyo is quite literally the largest city in the world so it really doesn't surprise me that ANYTHING exists in Tokyo.  If you've ever spent time in Tokyo you'll know that transsexual host clubs are just the tip of the iceberg of Tokyo's weirdness.

All that aside, lets assume these apartments are popular and they are popping up all around Tokyo.  For the single recent college graduate with zero free time and a low salary, this type of living makes a lot of sense.  It is minimalist to the extreme, but I get it.  Would I ever rent one of these apartments?  Of course not.  I need the extra room to take back 3 women from the clubs.  But those young salary men and women have 10 hour days and live on $2K a month.  If all you do is sleep in your apartment, why would you bother paying for the extra space?  The question shouldn't be 'how can people live like that?'  It should be, 'why hasn't anyone else thought of this before?'


I would also like to add that unlike many Americans, most Japanese people are not  fat tubs of goo that require 1000 SF of closet space for their Doritos...so there's that.  Also, the 1.5 jou (Tatami sizes differ but I think this converts to 3ish square meters or about 30 something square feet) is just the sleeping area.  Since there is a communal kitchen/bathroom, you have a lot more space available to you.  So how about it?  Would you be willing to give these apartments the old college try?

AV

Since it was recently valentine's day, I'd like to talk about porn.  Besides, it has been way too long since I've expressed my love and hatred of Japanese porn (AV).  This is also the first question I get asked when I talk about living in Japan; "why is their porn so weird?"  To be completely honest, Japanese porn is a freaking mystery that I will likely never understand since it simultaneously has so much yet so little to offer.  Anyone whose stumbled upon this particular genre knows what I'm talking about.  I'm going to try and generalize as best I can but obviously since there is so much porn out there, not all Japanese AV will fit in to my description.

What everyone seems to notice first in Japan is the multitude of porn readily available.  Everything from animals with tentacles, bondage, to ripped panty hose is all too commonplace.  Basically, fetish porn is regular porn.  Despite all this ridiculous stuff, you can't actually SEE any of it.  Its all blurred out.  Japan used to outlaw even showing pubic hair (and the yakuza do produce uncensored stuff, but its harder to find).

I still remember my first trip to Tokyo when my bros killed some time by browsing a video shop...for research.  The first floor had everything you'd expect from a porn shop but as we ascended the floors the videos got more and more disgusting.  I mean 'dry heaving and needing a therapist' disgusting.  Needless to say, I didn't make it to the top floor, I stopped at the bleeding and animal level and decided to call it a day. 

That all sounded bad.  Don't get me wrong, its porn so it can't be all that bad.  Its the age of the internet, so you can find other freaky, non-blurred porn with a few mouse clicks.  And how can America be so quick to decide what is 'normal' porn?  When I first got to Japan, all of it seemed new to me, and new was good!  Lawson and 7-11 sell it right next to the cup noodles, so its hard to ignore.  The girls tend to be INCREDIBLY cute.  Sometimes too cute. Like, so cute and innocent that they have no confidence and you feel a little guilty watching them be taken advantage of...also, they cry.

Okay, whats wrong with you Japan!  While I'd like to celebrate an abundance of porn, this seriously can't be good for the general public.  The real problem is Japanese people don't get taught sex ed in school, and they most certainly don't talk about sex with their family, so where are they learning this stuff?  A nation of teenagers learning about sex from fetish porn can't possibly be doing any good.  Especially while rape is a genre of porn...but it seems like that's a problem that Japan has yet to figure out. 

What Commercials Are Teaching Us

Japanese TV and I have never really seen eye to eye.  Seriously Japan, why do you spend, literally, millions of dollars to produce commercials while spending what looks like $3.75 on the drama that these commercials air after.  Commercials are blockbuster quality yet Japanese dramas make American soap operas look like the latest Michael Bay film...but I digress.

Japanese commercials have given me a lot of insight into Japanese culture.  Not everything I learn watching CMs is positive, but I'm always learning.  This got me thinking about what other Americans, especially those not living in Japan, think about these commercials.  And if you flip that, what are Japanese learning from the garbage America produces?

Well I got a partial answer the other night when Tosh aired a Japanese commercial in which Tommy Lee Jones in singing.  There's no doubt that he looks completely out of place, but the commercial is supposed to be kinda serious yet just Jones' presence makes it funny to Americans.  Those Japanese sure are weird!  Yet Tommy Lee Jones has been doing commercials in Japan for years, and has become quite the icon.  Just thinking of the name Tommy Lee Jones makes me want a boss coffee.

I'll join him on the rainbow mountain any day

By the same token, American commercials are teaching Japanese that American men are only smart enough to order dollar food and also pansies who can't even voice an opinion to women.  Like this McDonald's commercial where some unfortunate bastard is afraid of getting kicked out of his house for considering Sundays are a good day for football.  I hope Japanese women don't watch too many of these American commercials and start thinking that's acceptable behavior...

Speaking of McDonald's, here is a Japanese McDonald's commercial.  Not only are they introducing something new, the shrimp filet, but its cheerful and the woman is happy not emasculating some poor sap.  And this commercial teaches us that Japanese women are adorable, and that you don't need to actually show any food to sell it.   Sure sex sells, but Japan doesn't really go for full on sex.  They usually go for ridiculously cute.  From this you can conclude that Japan has a strong kawaii culture while keeping up conservative appearances and not talking about actual sex.  See, we're learning!

Even if you've never been to Japan, you can just type CM into youtube, check out some videos and let the learning begin.   

Weird Ass Japan

I’m a huge fan of cracked.com, and a common theme on the website is how ridiculous Japan is. Here is what most readers think of Japan. While it’s easy to blame the media….you know what, I’ll just blame the media. The only stuff from Japan to make it to the US is their over the top and usually perverted アニメ (incorrectly pronounced anne-ih-may), even stranger porn, sushi, bad お酒 (incorrectly pronounced sock-ee), and more recently, Hello Kitty.

Did you know that all Japanese AV (adult video) has to be censored so you can’t actually see anything? When you have to blur all the good parts, you end up getting creative to keep people's interest. The weird AV that you see now is sort of the movie companies’ way of exploiting a loophole. Apparently Japan feels like you shouldn't see genitals, but it's okay to see 23 dudes take on one crying teenager...but I digress.

Its crazy how quickly the weird aspects and traditions of one culture spread to another faster than the legitimate aspects. For instance, America views Japan as a workaholic, rice & endangered species eating, tentacle loving, fetish haven; While they view America as an obese, rude, guns and beef loving, crime infested crap hole. I think the major problem is both parties are getting all their information on each other from youtube or their local news. Its fun to say Japan sells used underwear in vending machines or that everyone in Japan knows karate, but that just isn't the case.

This Scene is Not Normal

It is a bit odd that Japan is pushing the cool Japan slogan, when its key exports are anime, video games, and TV's - 3 things least likely to be associated with the word 'cool. Meanwhile, all of the best stuff from Japan (umeshu, jyagariko, sexy fashion, trains, and some music) is nowhere to be found in America. You need to get on that Japan. America needs to know what you really have to offer. At least send over a few skinny girls once in a while to help counteract America's morbid obesity.