テレビ

I’ve bad mouthed Japanese TV quite a bit over the years. Most of it hasn’t been written down though, so here’s my chance to really stick it to these horrible shows. Don’t get me wrong, there are some decent shows (I emphasize ‘some’) and they can be entertaining, but Japan just doesn’t seem to spend the same amount of time or money on making quality TV.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing during your first few months/years in Japan, because you’re so busy soaking up all the local culture you can, you don’t have time to sit on your butt at home watching TV. The closest I came to watching TV my first few months in Japan was walking through the Yodobashi Camera TV section.

This place has a TV or two...

Have you checked out some of the links so far? Did you notice that EVERYTHING that was said was plastered across the entire screen? I guess this would be fine when you just start learning Japanese, but once you know how to speak, this is ridiculously annoying. It’s like watching TV with the closed caption on….in size 72 font. It becomes more of a distraction than anything else. The only plus is that you can learn some good kanji, but why are you trying to learn a language from the TV in the first place?

Go ahead and check out one of my favorite ladies, 大塚愛. She's pretty cute, but she's just futsuu by Japanese standards. Gotta love this country!


Ever wonder what Tommy Lee Jones would look like as a Host? Of course you haven’t, but here you go anyway. Thanks Japan!

Things Japan Does Well

Stripping

Yo-Yos

Guitar

I'll just keep this simple. Japan has a lot of talent to offer. Check out the above videos for proof.

In general, I have found that Japanese people have a lot of dedication. Many of my Japanese friends have fully dedicated themselves to one single activity, whether it is there job, dance, swimming, whatever. The result, some mad skills.

Lets Hear some Japanese

You can read about Japanese all you want, but it is absolutely necessary to hear this fantastically mathematical language. I’ve found a good video that has examples of lot’s of English Katakana and good expressions. This video has the added bonus of showing you how low budget Japanese TV is.

If you are just reading the subtitles, do you see how they use the word ‘challenge’? He is not just trying to cut various objects (and friggin succeeding at it), he is challenging himself to do something awesome.

'Super slow' is the most obvious Katakana in the video but did you also catch that 'Besuto suri-'? That's 'Best Three' if you were wondering. You can also here the surprised 'heeeeeee' after the samurai cuts everything. Use that word, it's a lot of fun.

The whole variety show concept is very reminiscent of elementary school ‘show & tell’, but I think elementary school had a better budget. Someone comes in with a skill or object (usually food) and everyone chatters away while looking at it. This may have seemed like a good idea at first, but this concept gets old, FAST. Most of the time, the guests aren't as cool as this Isao Machii Samurai either. Here, enjoy more of this dude cutting things in half, and then never watch Japanese TV again...

The Joys of Being a Gaijin

The wonderful thing about being a gaijin in Japan (well, one wonderful thing) is that most women make it pretty clear whether or not they like foreigners. Whether a 日本人 lady likes foreigners or not, it is nice to know where she stands right off the bat so you don’t waste your time.

FACT: Contrary to popular nerd beliefs, Japanese women do not all like white dudes. There are a certain number of women who do, in fact, only go after foreigners and they are called gaisen　(外専) and these are the women that you see with those greasy, lanky, American rejects all over Japan. I don’t really blame gaisen for this, they are just working with what they have, and Japan tends to attract the weirdos. I haven’t quite determined if the word gaisen is offensive yet, so I would wait on using it in public.

After talking to some of these gaisen, I’ve found that they don’t necessarily hate Japanese men, they just hate what there life would be like with them...and I’m not really sure which one is worse. For instance, Japanese men (and I am most definitely generalizing) tend to not show as much affection. Kissing, hugging, and saying ‘I love you’ are rarely done and most certainly not done in public. Plus, once a Japanese man starts work, he could work 14 hour days, leaving little time for taking care of and spending time with his lady. Some gaisen also like muscle which is something lacking on many Japanese men. They also don’t have big blue eyes like yours truly.

The younger generation seems to not hate us foreigners so much, so if you are in the market to score some Japanese ladies, now is as good a time as any, but…

READER BEWARE: Gaisen are often confused with Eigo-bandits - not a real word but a very appropriate phrase for these women as you will see shortly (Thanks go out to my buddy Zach for coining this phrase). Eigo-bandits and Gaisen are not the same thing. In fact, they are quite the opposite of what you’re looking for. While gaisen only like to date foreigners, Eigo-bandits simply want to use foreigners for their language ability. Some girls are really aiming high for that ANA job and need to practice their English! Found a Japanese lady but you’re not sure which kind of girl she is? Here are some clues that she’s an Eigo-bandit.

She ONLY speaks in English. She asks you to invite other foreigners out for her friends. She goes to Kansai Gaidai University.

Clues that you’ve got a keeper: She never speaks English, she wants to meet your friends (not just the foreign ones), good judge of character (she can spot the difference between normal and nerdy foreigners).

Eigo-bandits come in all shapes and sizes, so stay on your toes.

Last words of wisdom: Learn Japanese! The number of women you meet, date (or bone) is directly proportional to your language ability. Besides, I’m always wary of Japanese girls who know too much English – see above – and those are the only girls you’ll meet when you can’t speak Japanese.

Tokyo Rundown

I love how organized Japan is, especially the train stations. It is also amusing how many Japanese people complain about how ‘confusing’ the Tokyo metro is. This is because there are about 3 different companies running trains through Tokyo, but it is still a million times more easy to navigate than the DC or NY metro, trust me.

See, easy.

Tokyo is pretty easy to get a lot of Japanese experiences in a short period of time. I'm not sure what this guy is talking about though. He has some good advice on Tokyo site seeing but with the exception of the Kansai Gaidai campus, Tokyo was the easiest place to find English speakers. You could live there for years and never have to learn Japanese. This is why many folks who apply for JET and get places in the middle of nowhere are actually able to speak some Japanese when they return.

If you are going to get some truly Japanese experiences though, you have to hit up places other than tourist traps. The busy streets of Japan can provide you with many opportunities to experience Japan without paying a single yen. Keep an eye out for hole in the wall ramen shops and try to be at the train stations at night. The stations are a good place to check out local artists.

The opportunity to have a nervous breakdown AND catch swine flu only comes once in a blue moon (青天のへきれき)

If you are interested in seeing all the freaks in Tokyo, look no further than the Jingu Bridge. This place is home of all the visual kei and other cosplay kids. I haven't found any places like this outside of Tokyo, so be sure to check this out if you're in Japan's capitol. Also be sure to check out how the sky tree is coming along.

Tokyo is truly a great city. Best in the world according to this! My favorite reasons include more Michelin stars than anywhere else, there are oodles of noodles, and the most bars per square meter. If you get nothing else from this post, remember that Japan makes eating and drinking yourself stupid incredibly easy, SO ENJOY!

That's my 2 yen, more to come.

5 Most Common Japanese Words (you will absolutely hate using)

美味しい: Oishii (delicious) – this obviously had to make the list. You cannot go 5 seconds without hearing this damn word. If you want to man it up, you can say Umai – it has basically the same meaning. I’ve come to the conclusion that all Japanese are self conscious of their cooking, so whether you’re eating a nice prepared meal, or a shucream from a conbini, be sure to say this at least 37 times before finishing.

Oishii my ass...

痛い: Itai (ouch) – This is mostly for the women. Since all Japanese women are real women, they are light and dainty, and as such they need to convey this to everyone around them. One manner of doing this is to say itai when anything gets remotely close to touching you? Just trip over a bike? Itai! Just get hit by a wash cloth? Itai! Its so versatile!

そうですか: Sou desu ka (is that so) – In addition to being self conscious chefs, Japanese people are never sure you’re listening to them unless you interrupt their conversation as much as possible to let them know you aren’t sleeping. Conversations go something like this…
Kinou, Ken ni battari atta. - Sou desu ka?
Kare ha Kyoto ni… - Sou desu ka?
Nani .. - SOU DESU KA!

Nagarakugaragara (????) – When you get older in Japan, you can’t be bothered with silly things like enunciation so be sure to slur your words and barely open your mouth to make your speech indecipherable. But still act surprised when people say they can’t understand you.

heeeEEEEEEE? ( word? ) – When someone gives you new or surprising information use this word. Be sure to start soft and build to a dramatic finish. The longer you hold out the word, the more surprised you are.


All sarcasm aside, lets have a serious recap.

Oishii – it is expected that you say this about your food. Whether it sucks or not is irrelevant. You can try to eat your meal in peace or chime in with a little “mmm”, but sooner or later someone will ask Oishii? Trust me. Just say the word.

It's all oishii dammit!

Itai – I suppose the word has sort of morphed to become “woah” or “yikes” in addition to “ouch.” It is just a knee jerk response when someone gets touched by surprise. It doesn’t mean they are hurt, so don’t assume all Japanese are pansies. And when I say Japanese women are REAL women, I mean it. Guess who don't get the epidural when having babies. That's right, Japanese women.

Sou Desu Ka – I sometimes here it over used in conversations but it just means “uh huh”, “really”, “you don’t say”. You can also say it after someone asks you a question to buy you time to come up with an answer. It’s actually a quite useful phrase.

Insert mumbling here – I don’t know what it is about men getting older in Japan but it turns their Japanese into garbage. It seriously happens to EVERYONE. It is a common stereotype for the elderly in Japan, so don’t worry if you can’t understand some old dude. Even native Japanese can barely understand these fogeys.

heeeEEEEEEE – I say this sometimes to make fun of how others sound, but people take me seriously. That’s how ridiculous this word is. If you don’t like this word, sometimes an “uso!” (no way, you lie!) or a "maji?" is more appropriate.

More Words

If you’ve had any experience at all with a foreign language you likely have that story where you asked for dog feces instead of Reese's Pieces. We’ve all been there. To help avoid this future mix up, I have put several pairs of similar words together so that you’ll be less likely to make these hilariously embarrassing mistakes.

In most cases, words that sound similar are so different in meaning that people can assume what you meant to say, but sometimes the words are similar enough to create problems. For example…

Byouin, Biyouin – Byouin (病院) is a hospital while Biyouin (美容院) is a beauty parlor. If you are suffering from alcohol poisoning but manage to get into a cab and ask to go to the Biyouin, you'll be one sexy looking corpse.

Suwaru, Sawaru – Suwaru (座る) is to sit while Sawaru (触る) means to touch. This little mix-up is based on actual events. A buddy of mine strolled up to nice lady on the train with an empty seat next to her. ‘Can I touch there’ he asked while pointing down…. SECURITY! Actually he was lucky, she just laughed it off.

Chizu, Chi-zu - Chizu (地図) is a map while Chi-zu (チーズ) is cheese. I'm not exactly sure how this could go bad, but it has potential to go horribly wrong.

Gamu, Gomu. Gamu (ガム) is gum while Gomu (ゴム) is rubber, or condom. I can see this playing out all too well. You are getting frisky with a young lady at a classy establishment like hotel fine. Its getting heavy so you look her in the eyes and ask ‘do I need gum?’.
'No, of course not' she says….BAM, you got herpes.

And a classic is Kanjou, and Kanchou. One means check, while the other means enema, or to poke your fingers into someone's ass. I say it's a classic because nobody uses that word for check anymore. I'll just let you guess which one is which the next time you're at a restaurant and want to leave...