The Joys of Being a Gaijin

The wonderful thing about being a gaijin in Japan (well, one wonderful thing) is that most women make it pretty clear whether or not they like foreigners. Whether a 日本人 lady likes foreigners or not, it is nice to know where she stands right off the bat so you don’t waste your time.

FACT: Contrary to popular nerd beliefs, Japanese women do not all like white dudes. There are a certain number of women who do, in fact, only go after foreigners and they are called gaisen　(外専) and these are the women that you see with those greasy, lanky, American rejects all over Japan. I don’t really blame gaisen for this, they are just working with what they have, and Japan tends to attract the weirdos. I haven’t quite determined if the word gaisen is offensive yet, so I would wait on using it in public.

After talking to some of these gaisen, I’ve found that they don’t necessarily hate Japanese men, they just hate what there life would be like with them...and I’m not really sure which one is worse. For instance, Japanese men (and I am most definitely generalizing) tend to not show as much affection. Kissing, hugging, and saying ‘I love you’ are rarely done and most certainly not done in public. Plus, once a Japanese man starts work, he could work 14 hour days, leaving little time for taking care of and spending time with his lady. Some gaisen also like muscle which is something lacking on many Japanese men. They also don’t have big blue eyes like yours truly.

The younger generation seems to not hate us foreigners so much, so if you are in the market to score some Japanese ladies, now is as good a time as any, but…

READER BEWARE: Gaisen are often confused with Eigo-bandits - not a real word but a very appropriate phrase for these women as you will see shortly (Thanks go out to my buddy Zach for coining this phrase). Eigo-bandits and Gaisen are not the same thing. In fact, they are quite the opposite of what you’re looking for. While gaisen only like to date foreigners, Eigo-bandits simply want to use foreigners for their language ability. Some girls are really aiming high for that ANA job and need to practice their English! Found a Japanese lady but you’re not sure which kind of girl she is? Here are some clues that she’s an Eigo-bandit.

She ONLY speaks in English. She asks you to invite other foreigners out for her friends. She goes to Kansai Gaidai University.

Clues that you’ve got a keeper: She never speaks English, she wants to meet your friends (not just the foreign ones), good judge of character (she can spot the difference between normal and nerdy foreigners).

Eigo-bandits come in all shapes and sizes, so stay on your toes.

Last words of wisdom: Learn Japanese! The number of women you meet, date (or bone) is directly proportional to your language ability. Besides, I’m always wary of Japanese girls who know too much English – see above – and those are the only girls you’ll meet when you can’t speak Japanese.

Tokyo Rundown

I love how organized Japan is, especially the train stations. It is also amusing how many Japanese people complain about how ‘confusing’ the Tokyo metro is. This is because there are about 3 different companies running trains through Tokyo, but it is still a million times more easy to navigate than the DC or NY metro, trust me.

See, easy.

Tokyo is pretty easy to get a lot of Japanese experiences in a short period of time. I'm not sure what this guy is talking about though. He has some good advice on Tokyo site seeing but with the exception of the Kansai Gaidai campus, Tokyo was the easiest place to find English speakers. You could live there for years and never have to learn Japanese. This is why many folks who apply for JET and get places in the middle of nowhere are actually able to speak some Japanese when they return.

If you are going to get some truly Japanese experiences though, you have to hit up places other than tourist traps. The busy streets of Japan can provide you with many opportunities to experience Japan without paying a single yen. Keep an eye out for hole in the wall ramen shops and try to be at the train stations at night. The stations are a good place to check out local artists.

The opportunity to have a nervous breakdown AND catch swine flu only comes once in a blue moon (青天のへきれき)

If you are interested in seeing all the freaks in Tokyo, look no further than the Jingu Bridge. This place is home of all the visual kei and other cosplay kids. I haven't found any places like this outside of Tokyo, so be sure to check this out if you're in Japan's capitol. Also be sure to check out how the sky tree is coming along.

Tokyo is truly a great city. Best in the world according to this! My favorite reasons include more Michelin stars than anywhere else, there are oodles of noodles, and the most bars per square meter. If you get nothing else from this post, remember that Japan makes eating and drinking yourself stupid incredibly easy, SO ENJOY!

That's my 2 yen, more to come.

5 Most Common Japanese Words (you will absolutely hate using)

美味しい: Oishii (delicious) – this obviously had to make the list. You cannot go 5 seconds without hearing this damn word. If you want to man it up, you can say Umai – it has basically the same meaning. I’ve come to the conclusion that all Japanese are self conscious of their cooking, so whether you’re eating a nice prepared meal, or a shucream from a conbini, be sure to say this at least 37 times before finishing.

Oishii my ass...

痛い: Itai (ouch) – This is mostly for the women. Since all Japanese women are real women, they are light and dainty, and as such they need to convey this to everyone around them. One manner of doing this is to say itai when anything gets remotely close to touching you? Just trip over a bike? Itai! Just get hit by a wash cloth? Itai! Its so versatile!

そうですか: Sou desu ka (is that so) – In addition to being self conscious chefs, Japanese people are never sure you’re listening to them unless you interrupt their conversation as much as possible to let them know you aren’t sleeping. Conversations go something like this…
Kinou, Ken ni battari atta. - Sou desu ka?
Kare ha Kyoto ni… - Sou desu ka?
Nani .. - SOU DESU KA!

Nagarakugaragara (????) – When you get older in Japan, you can’t be bothered with silly things like enunciation so be sure to slur your words and barely open your mouth to make your speech indecipherable. But still act surprised when people say they can’t understand you.

heeeEEEEEEE? ( word? ) – When someone gives you new or surprising information use this word. Be sure to start soft and build to a dramatic finish. The longer you hold out the word, the more surprised you are.


All sarcasm aside, lets have a serious recap.

Oishii – it is expected that you say this about your food. Whether it sucks or not is irrelevant. You can try to eat your meal in peace or chime in with a little “mmm”, but sooner or later someone will ask Oishii? Trust me. Just say the word.

It's all oishii dammit!

Itai – I suppose the word has sort of morphed to become “woah” or “yikes” in addition to “ouch.” It is just a knee jerk response when someone gets touched by surprise. It doesn’t mean they are hurt, so don’t assume all Japanese are pansies. And when I say Japanese women are REAL women, I mean it. Guess who don't get the epidural when having babies. That's right, Japanese women.

Sou Desu Ka – I sometimes here it over used in conversations but it just means “uh huh”, “really”, “you don’t say”. You can also say it after someone asks you a question to buy you time to come up with an answer. It’s actually a quite useful phrase.

Insert mumbling here – I don’t know what it is about men getting older in Japan but it turns their Japanese into garbage. It seriously happens to EVERYONE. It is a common stereotype for the elderly in Japan, so don’t worry if you can’t understand some old dude. Even native Japanese can barely understand these fogeys.

heeeEEEEEEE – I say this sometimes to make fun of how others sound, but people take me seriously. That’s how ridiculous this word is. If you don’t like this word, sometimes an “uso!” (no way, you lie!) or a "maji?" is more appropriate.

More Words

If you’ve had any experience at all with a foreign language you likely have that story where you asked for dog feces instead of Reese's Pieces. We’ve all been there. To help avoid this future mix up, I have put several pairs of similar words together so that you’ll be less likely to make these hilariously embarrassing mistakes.

In most cases, words that sound similar are so different in meaning that people can assume what you meant to say, but sometimes the words are similar enough to create problems. For example…

Byouin, Biyouin – Byouin (病院) is a hospital while Biyouin (美容院) is a beauty parlor. If you are suffering from alcohol poisoning but manage to get into a cab and ask to go to the Biyouin, you'll be one sexy looking corpse.

Suwaru, Sawaru – Suwaru (座る) is to sit while Sawaru (触る) means to touch. This little mix-up is based on actual events. A buddy of mine strolled up to nice lady on the train with an empty seat next to her. ‘Can I touch there’ he asked while pointing down…. SECURITY! Actually he was lucky, she just laughed it off.

Chizu, Chi-zu - Chizu (地図) is a map while Chi-zu (チーズ) is cheese. I'm not exactly sure how this could go bad, but it has potential to go horribly wrong.

Gamu, Gomu. Gamu (ガム) is gum while Gomu (ゴム) is rubber, or condom. I can see this playing out all too well. You are getting frisky with a young lady at a classy establishment like hotel fine. Its getting heavy so you look her in the eyes and ask ‘do I need gum?’.
'No, of course not' she says….BAM, you got herpes.

And a classic is Kanjou, and Kanchou. One means check, while the other means enema, or to poke your fingers into someone's ass. I say it's a classic because nobody uses that word for check anymore. I'll just let you guess which one is which the next time you're at a restaurant and want to leave...

カタカナ

I could talk all day on Katakana, but I will try not to. Katakana makes up half of the Japanese phonetic alphabet and is typically used to sound out words that are 'borrowed' from other languages. It comes in handy for sounding out foreign names as well. Some words make learning 'Japanese' seem like the easiest thing in the world. Other words make your brain want to leap out of your skull and punch the closest person in the face. It is a blessing, and a curse to the Japanese language. Here are a few easy to learn words to make you sound more fluent...followed by a few words that will pain you to speak because it sounds so ridiculous.

Pinku (ピンク): pink. Easy right?
Nyuusu (ニュース) : News. Like the kind on TV.
Gei (ゲイ): Gay. In the very homosexual sense of the word.
Kiro (キロ): Kilogram. Good to know since Japanese are smart enough to use metric.
Raisu (ライス): Rice. The cooked kind.
Karori- (カロリー): Calorie. Just because the word above reminded me.
Konpyu-ta- (コンピューター): Computer.
Biiru (ビール): Beer. A word you will never forget.

Now for the stupid ones...

Charenji (チャレンジ): Challenge. This is actually a very useful word in Japanese, but its meaning is a little off kilter. In this sense, you use challenge for when you try something new, or challenge yourself.
Fechi (フェチ): Besides the fact that it sounds like you’re giving your dog a command, this word is overly used in Japanese. It means fetish, but not necessarily the weird fetishes. You can use the word to describe anything you like about the opposite sex.
Manshon (マンション): What do you think this means? If you guessed small apartment, you’re absolutely correct.
Arerugi (アレルぎ): It took me saying this word 47 times to guess this one, so I’ll save you the trouble. Allergy.
Miruku (ミルク): Since when was milk a three syllable word? Seriously?
Kanningu (カンニング): Nope, not cunning. That would actually make sense. Instead it somehow means cheating. You pair it with the verb for ‘to do’ and it becomes to cheat. Class, don’t do the cunning during a test!
Metabo (メタボ): Possibly short for metabolism? Eh, you’re half right..ish. It is short for metabolic syndrome and means overweight. Some comedians have based their entire bit on this word.

Once you get over how stupid you sound saying English words like a toddler, Japanese will just open up for you. Katakana words, though kind of stupid, are the easiest to remember, so study up and learn this crucial element of the Japanese language.

More JET Fire

After expelling a lot of hate on the JET program, I decided to do a little more research and learn some more about this retarded program. I haven’t quite pinpointed the source of its failure, but I did find another JET with some stupid ideas and someone else who tries to let JET off the hook. So…maybe I was right in the first place.

Regarding this first JET, he has some ideas for helping teach English in Japan. His first idea being that Katakana should not be used in the classroom. While I do agree with this, he goes on to say that Roman characters (the kind you’re reading right now) can be used to represent Japanese sounds, but Katakana cannot be used to represent English….in this case, he is only half right.

I am reminded of my days studying Japanese at UMD with a book written in the 80’s and entirely in English characters. Needless to say, I didn’t learn much from that book, because I wasn’t really reading Japanese. Losing Katakana and using more English would give Japanese kids more exposure to the language, and would likely help out in the long run but the idea of Romaji accurately representing Japanese is absolutely false. There is no way to use roman characters to represent all Japanese sounds, because English simply does not have those sounds.
Take らりるれろ and が for instance. In roman characters, they are written RA RI RU RE RO and GA respectively, but this is just as close as English can get to writing these sounds. For RA, the actual pronunciation is like a fusion of LA and RA while flicking your front teeth. This is why they are sometimes written LA LI LU LE LO, and also why Crown and Clown sound the same to many Japanese.

It is also why somebody thought this was a good idea.

They are not used to distinguishing the differences between R and L, because the closest thing they have is something in the middle.

As for GA, you can pretty much say it the way it is spelled and get away with it, but I have noticed that the Tokyo (standard) dialect tends to put a nasally sound at the front of GA, particularly when women say it. When they say it, it sounds more like nGA. These are just a couple examples where roman characters fall short of representing Japanese. So for all of you studying Japanese out there, read Japanese and do not settle for Romaji! You’ll only be hurting yourself. It only takes a few days to learn the phonetic alphabet anyway..

As for the second Article, it attempts at defending JET but JET just seems even more stupid after reading it. Debito Arutou points out that the E in JET does not even stand for English, JET’s main goal is not teaching English, and the ‘teachers’ are not qualified to teach. That sounds like a worthwhile program to me!

After bashing JET a bit, Debito goes on to make some very valid points. English classes in Japan are HORRIBLE, and it seems like everyone knows it but is too stubborn to change it. This is why English cafes are so popular, because Japanese are desperate to speak the language – an opportunity rarely given in an English class.

Language is also fluent and ever-changing. How do you tell if someone’s English is WRONG? Did they get the point across? If your dialect is different from the standard, does that make your version wrong? I'm pretty sure I made like, um, bout 20 grammer mistakes in this post alone. But you know what I'm talking about....right guys?

JET

How does someone get to Japan? One option (typically a last option) is the JET Program. The JET (Japanese Exchange and Teaching) program is for lack of a better word…retarded. Let me clarify. The idea of the JET program is great, but the problem is that it is run in such a terrible manner, that nobody benefits. The idea is to send native English speakers to Japan to teach English the way it is naturally spoken. I’ll list their problems in list format from here on out because thinking about JET makes me too angry to form a complete thought.

JET only hires morons. From my many friends and acquaintances that have applied for JET there has been a common theme to the ones that were accepted. Those ‘qualified’ to teach could barely locate Japan on a map and had little to no knowledge of Japanese culture outside of Anime. The only educational requirement for JET is that your native language be English and you have a Bachelor's Degree in 'something'. It is a running joke that you should wear an Evangelion T-shirt to you interview to improve your odds of getting accepted (for the longest time I thought JET stood for Jackasses in Evangelion T-shirts). It is never spoken of openly, but JET fears charismatic, intelligent teachers (who can actually speak Japanese) because they can easily leave the program and get another, better, job in Japan. The less you know about Japan and Japanese, the less likely you are to jump their ship.

You can only be in JET for 5 years. This probably has something to do with the number of applicants they get or the fact that they want young, energetic people for their program but it seems more likely that they just want younger folks who will put up with JET's BS and not ask too many questions (being under 40 is an application requirement). You typically sign a one year contract and have to renew it every year you wish to continue. It almost seems like once you get the position you are fighting for your life to keep it. This is a dumb system because once you get the hang of teaching English, they kick you out and some other idiot has to learn from scratch. The kids get inexperienced teachers over and over again, and learn little English as a result.

You will likely get placed in the middle of nowhere. This is not really the JET program’s fault. So many people sign up for JET and want to be in Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto, and other key cities, but there are just not as many open spaces in these cities as there are applicants. Picking your top 3 cities you want to be located in is part of the application process, but you rarely get any of those locations. Odds are if you do get accepted into JET, you will be in some unknown city with a population of around 100 people. I know some folks that were put in this situation and had to take a bus and train for 2 hours to get to somewhere that had convenience stores. Getting placed in the middle of nowhere also has the added inconvenience of learning non-standard (incomprehensible) Japanese.

There are many different types of English. This isn't so much of a 'problem' but have you ever heard a Japanese person speak English with an Australian accent?? It'll blow your freakin mind!! To add to that, what the hell is rubbish? The word is trash!

Me Hate JET! I think a lot of my excessive, and possibly misguided, hate comes from actually seeing the JET program and it's participants in action. The JETs in Japan are very cliquey. They only hang out with other JETs and only speak English. I met some JETs that lived in Japan for 4 years and could only order noodles in Japanese. You'll also notice that well spoken English is hard to find in Japan.

If you are a decent human being who has a fondness for Japan, you have an uphill battle getting accepted by JET. If you do in fact get accepted, and don’t mind the bureaucratic bull crap, then power to ya, and enjoy those next 5 years! You deserve it!

But you certainly have your work cut out for you. MANY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!