AV

Since it was recently valentine's day, I'd like to talk about porn.  Besides, it has been way too long since I've expressed my love and hatred of Japanese porn (AV).  This is also the first question I get asked when I talk about living in Japan; "why is their porn so weird?"  To be completely honest, Japanese porn is a freaking mystery that I will likely never understand since it simultaneously has so much yet so little to offer.  Anyone whose stumbled upon this particular genre knows what I'm talking about.  I'm going to try and generalize as best I can but obviously since there is so much porn out there, not all Japanese AV will fit in to my description.

What everyone seems to notice first in Japan is the multitude of porn readily available.  Everything from animals with tentacles, bondage, to ripped panty hose is all too commonplace.  Basically, fetish porn is regular porn.  Despite all this ridiculous stuff, you can't actually SEE any of it.  Its all blurred out.  Japan used to outlaw even showing pubic hair (and the yakuza do produce uncensored stuff, but its harder to find).

I still remember my first trip to Tokyo when my bros killed some time by browsing a video shop...for research.  The first floor had everything you'd expect from a porn shop but as we ascended the floors the videos got more and more disgusting.  I mean 'dry heaving and needing a therapist' disgusting.  Needless to say, I didn't make it to the top floor, I stopped at the bleeding and animal level and decided to call it a day. 

That all sounded bad.  Don't get me wrong, its porn so it can't be all that bad.  Its the age of the internet, so you can find other freaky, non-blurred porn with a few mouse clicks.  And how can America be so quick to decide what is 'normal' porn?  When I first got to Japan, all of it seemed new to me, and new was good!  Lawson and 7-11 sell it right next to the cup noodles, so its hard to ignore.  The girls tend to be INCREDIBLY cute.  Sometimes too cute. Like, so cute and innocent that they have no confidence and you feel a little guilty watching them be taken advantage of...also, they cry.

Okay, whats wrong with you Japan!  While I'd like to celebrate an abundance of porn, this seriously can't be good for the general public.  The real problem is Japanese people don't get taught sex ed in school, and they most certainly don't talk about sex with their family, so where are they learning this stuff?  A nation of teenagers learning about sex from fetish porn can't possibly be doing any good.  Especially while rape is a genre of porn...but it seems like that's a problem that Japan has yet to figure out. 

What's the Color of Eggplant?

To all you 'mericans out there, Japan is a strange and beautiful place.  Many things that are "normal" in Japan are not normal in America or anywhere else, which is a big reason I love Japan.  It works the other way too.  Truck nuts and fat chicks??  Not normal in Japan. 

This sounded so stupid the first time I heard it, but it also kind of freaked me out.  I had just downed half a bottle of Rum Chata, and I was hiccuping like crazy when a certain Japanese lady asked me, whats the color of an eggplant?...what the hell does that have to do with anything??  ....WOAH, my hiccups stopped!  I've NEVER heard this before, but apparently its one of those Japanese wives' tales (like drinking from the wrong side of the glass, or being scared).  I can't really speak for the validity of this, because I've only tested it once, but it worked for me.  Next time someone has the hiccups, ask them "なすの色は何色？" 

Rikimaru is awesome...but whats the color of that Eggplant over there??

Study Up!

Coming from someone as lazy as myself, this may not sound all that convincing, but to seriously pick up Japanese you need to buckle down. For too long I've been relying on Osmosis to do the work for me.  I've surrounded myself in Japanese music (Otsuka Ai, and Ayaka mostly), Japanese friends (mostly girls), and books that I'd thumb through whenever I felt like it.  There are a few problems with this method of 'studying'.

For one, only hearing women speak is hugely detrimental.  There are things that only women can get away with saying and you don't want to pick up on these (ending your sentences in 'wa' and 'mon' just for starters).  Think of making guy friends as an investment that will pay off later when you have more manly Japanese and the Japanese girls are lining up for your phone number.  Its only fun to be the cute gaijin that speaks a little girly for so long (trust me).  Though girly Japanese may work for nanpa, good luck getting a job in Japan talking like a high school chick. 

Second, I found that when I learned at a leisurely pace, I was forgetting as much as I was learning. Sisyphus is no model for language learning.  The only way to stay ahead is to cram your face
with as much Japanese as possible, and that unfortunately takes commitment.  Since I've been working, I've lost 9 hours of study time per day.  I'm starting to wish I'd majored in Japanese so I'd have this language down by now...why did I have to get a degree in a marketable skill?

Third, much like working out, putting in just a few hours a week will only yield results for so long.  You will plateau unless you are constantly challenging yourself.  Unlike working out, you can't just take language steroids and get fluent in a week.  I've used Rosetta Stone, Japanesepod101, and Pimsleur but they only worked when I was constantly using them and pushing past my comfort zone (which is more difficult than it sounds because Rosetta Stone and Pimsleur don't really teach beyond intermediate Japanese).  

I doubt this will be all that motivating for anyone out there, because I wrote this for myself.  I've set a goal to take the Nihongo Noryoku Shiken and I need to remind myself to study up.  You hear me Jon Evans??  Pass the N1 or N2 and you've got an in for a Japanese job, so don't drop the ball!

Extra Hard Cock Grease

Now I'm sure some of you reading this were probably looking for porn, so I'm sorry to disappoint you.  But this is a real thing.

SEE!

You can find these little gems of ridiculous word play all throughout Japan.  Though everyone "learns" English from grade school, somehow these things slip though the cracks.  You would think that in the global age of the internet someone would do a google search of Cock Grease to see if that was an appropriate name.  It would only take 10 seconds to realize that this product name didn't exactly bring up good imagery to sell hair wax. 

In the above photo, that woman walked in and blocked my shot, but you can sort of read the sign for the water they are advertising.  Its called Clytia, They have a Website.  Anyone else getting thirsty thinking about Clytia??

But of course the winner of broken and busted English will always go to clothing.  I really need to remember to take more pictures of this kind of stuff.  Even though I speak English as a first language, there is no way I'd ever be able to think of putting "All My Exes Got Married" on a shirt.  I love you Japan, but I will never fully understand you.

The Customer is Always God

Words cannot possibly express how pain free it is shopping in Japan. 

You know those times when you really need some assistance but the staff are nowhere to be found?  Or when you need to check out in a hurry but nobody seems to feel like working in a hurry?  You know what shopping in a Wal-Mart feels like?  That kind of crap doesn't happen in Japan.  (Just don't try to exchange anything or bend the rules, because no matter how nice they want to be, they won't break the rules for you)

I don't think it's necessarily that Japanese people are better than everyone else...okay, that's a lie.  I don't think they are so much genetically superior as I believe that their culture encourages working as a team and being a productive member of society rather than an independent narcissist who only cares about themselves...so yes, Japanese are better people.  Where was I going with this??

Oh yes, shopping in Japan is like visiting a strip club.  Everyone is super nice and attractive, but in the end it is a business.  But also like a strip club, it doesn't really matter why you are getting magnificent service. Whether the staff really want to be nice or sleep with you is irrelevant. You will be treated like 神様 regardless. 

Even the vending machines in Japan treat their customers with the utmost respect.  Not only do they work ALL the time, but I've never even had to try more than once to put my money into the machine.  None of that creasing your bills on the side of the vending machine nonsense in Japan!  Even though vending machines are SUPER convenient, I still prefer to interact with human beings...partly because its difficult to practice Japanese with a machine, but mostly because Japanese girls are way more attractive than vending machines. 

Last time I went to Colorful in Kobe looking for a Japanese Snuggie and some Yamazaki 12 year I got world class treatment.  And not that patronizing 'you're a foreigner so lets be extra nice to him because he's probably lost' treatment, this was the real deal...Or as real as 5 star treatment can be coming from a staff member being paid to be helpful.  Am I being bitter now?  Seriously, somebody tell me, I don't even know anymore...At least I have a Japanese Snuggie.

I don't joke about things like that.

発泡酒 Where do we go from here?

What started as a ploy to avoid beer tax seems to have gotten out of hand.  The more I shop around for beer and its cheaper substitutes, the more I am surprised by the creativity of avoiding the beer tax.  I get it though, because nobody anywhere wants to pay more than twice the money for a six pack of real beer.  But at some point when they coined the phrase "3rd Beer" (第三のビール), somebody had to raise their hand and ask what the hell was going on...

6-Pack of Real Beer: $14, Happoshu: $8.50...not a difficult decision

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Happoshu, but a "beer like beverage" did not sound good at all when I first heard about it.   I guess I should consider myself lucky that I had Happoshu accidentally before I knew what it was, because I may have been turned off by the idea.   Ever since I've had this delicious hangover juice, I've never looked back!

That's a thing of beauty

おすすめは？

Kirin's Nodogoshi nama (のどごし生) is made with soy beans and is actually not that bad.  Other 3rd beers are made with other forms of protein, but I'm having trouble keeping track.  Lately I've been picking this and other Happoshu brands over other beer just due to curiosity.  Asahi Clear is also good, but as I recall the Asahi Aqua was only maa-maa. 

Of the ones above only the Nodogoshi Nama is 3rd beer.  3rd Beer goes beyond the limits of Happoshu and skips the use of malt entirely and you would think this would sacrifice taste, but its growing on me and I bet it will grow on you too.  3rd Beers like スリムス are even using the lower calories of 3rd beer as a selling point.  That's not a huge selling point for me, but since beer is a HUGE part of Japanese drinking culture, it likely pays to go with a lower calorie beverage.  All you have to do is ignore the fact that it is not beer, and just enjoy these drinks for what they are; a cheap and hopefully tasty beverage to start off a good evening.


If you've ever had a reasonably priced beer in Japan, you've probably had Happoshu or possibly 3rd Beer and didn't even notice, because reasonable priced beer is hard to come by. This goes without saying but despite Happoshu/3rd Beer being dirt cheap, it still beats every Bud and Miller product I've ever tasted.  

Now to put all this information to good use.  Go out and get a bit tipsy!  べろべろになろう！

What Commercials Are Teaching Us

Japanese TV and I have never really seen eye to eye.  Seriously Japan, why do you spend, literally, millions of dollars to produce commercials while spending what looks like $3.75 on the drama that these commercials air after.  Commercials are blockbuster quality yet Japanese dramas make American soap operas look like the latest Michael Bay film...but I digress.

Japanese commercials have given me a lot of insight into Japanese culture.  Not everything I learn watching CMs is positive, but I'm always learning.  This got me thinking about what other Americans, especially those not living in Japan, think about these commercials.  And if you flip that, what are Japanese learning from the garbage America produces?

Well I got a partial answer the other night when Tosh aired a Japanese commercial in which Tommy Lee Jones in singing.  There's no doubt that he looks completely out of place, but the commercial is supposed to be kinda serious yet just Jones' presence makes it funny to Americans.  Those Japanese sure are weird!  Yet Tommy Lee Jones has been doing commercials in Japan for years, and has become quite the icon.  Just thinking of the name Tommy Lee Jones makes me want a boss coffee.

I'll join him on the rainbow mountain any day

By the same token, American commercials are teaching Japanese that American men are only smart enough to order dollar food and also pansies who can't even voice an opinion to women.  Like this McDonald's commercial where some unfortunate bastard is afraid of getting kicked out of his house for considering Sundays are a good day for football.  I hope Japanese women don't watch too many of these American commercials and start thinking that's acceptable behavior...

Speaking of McDonald's, here is a Japanese McDonald's commercial.  Not only are they introducing something new, the shrimp filet, but its cheerful and the woman is happy not emasculating some poor sap.  And this commercial teaches us that Japanese women are adorable, and that you don't need to actually show any food to sell it.   Sure sex sells, but Japan doesn't really go for full on sex.  They usually go for ridiculously cute.  From this you can conclude that Japan has a strong kawaii culture while keeping up conservative appearances and not talking about actual sex.  See, we're learning!

Even if you've never been to Japan, you can just type CM into youtube, check out some videos and let the learning begin.