The Customer is Always God

Words cannot possibly express how pain free it is shopping in Japan. 

You know those times when you really need some assistance but the staff are nowhere to be found?  Or when you need to check out in a hurry but nobody seems to feel like working in a hurry?  You know what shopping in a Wal-Mart feels like?  That kind of crap doesn't happen in Japan.  (Just don't try to exchange anything or bend the rules, because no matter how nice they want to be, they won't break the rules for you)

I don't think it's necessarily that Japanese people are better than everyone else...okay, that's a lie.  I don't think they are so much genetically superior as I believe that their culture encourages working as a team and being a productive member of society rather than an independent narcissist who only cares about themselves...so yes, Japanese are better people.  Where was I going with this??

Oh yes, shopping in Japan is like visiting a strip club.  Everyone is super nice and attractive, but in the end it is a business.  But also like a strip club, it doesn't really matter why you are getting magnificent service. Whether the staff really want to be nice or sleep with you is irrelevant. You will be treated like 神様 regardless. 

Even the vending machines in Japan treat their customers with the utmost respect.  Not only do they work ALL the time, but I've never even had to try more than once to put my money into the machine.  None of that creasing your bills on the side of the vending machine nonsense in Japan!  Even though vending machines are SUPER convenient, I still prefer to interact with human beings...partly because its difficult to practice Japanese with a machine, but mostly because Japanese girls are way more attractive than vending machines. 

Last time I went to Colorful in Kobe looking for a Japanese Snuggie and some Yamazaki 12 year I got world class treatment.  And not that patronizing 'you're a foreigner so lets be extra nice to him because he's probably lost' treatment, this was the real deal...Or as real as 5 star treatment can be coming from a staff member being paid to be helpful.  Am I being bitter now?  Seriously, somebody tell me, I don't even know anymore...At least I have a Japanese Snuggie.

I don't joke about things like that.

発泡酒 Where do we go from here?

What started as a ploy to avoid beer tax seems to have gotten out of hand.  The more I shop around for beer and its cheaper substitutes, the more I am surprised by the creativity of avoiding the beer tax.  I get it though, because nobody anywhere wants to pay more than twice the money for a six pack of real beer.  But at some point when they coined the phrase "3rd Beer" (第三のビール), somebody had to raise their hand and ask what the hell was going on...

6-Pack of Real Beer: $14, Happoshu: $8.50...not a difficult decision

Don't get me wrong, I love me some Happoshu, but a "beer like beverage" did not sound good at all when I first heard about it.   I guess I should consider myself lucky that I had Happoshu accidentally before I knew what it was, because I may have been turned off by the idea.   Ever since I've had this delicious hangover juice, I've never looked back!

That's a thing of beauty

おすすめは？

Kirin's Nodogoshi nama (のどごし生) is made with soy beans and is actually not that bad.  Other 3rd beers are made with other forms of protein, but I'm having trouble keeping track.  Lately I've been picking this and other Happoshu brands over other beer just due to curiosity.  Asahi Clear is also good, but as I recall the Asahi Aqua was only maa-maa. 

Of the ones above only the Nodogoshi Nama is 3rd beer.  3rd Beer goes beyond the limits of Happoshu and skips the use of malt entirely and you would think this would sacrifice taste, but its growing on me and I bet it will grow on you too.  3rd Beers like スリムス are even using the lower calories of 3rd beer as a selling point.  That's not a huge selling point for me, but since beer is a HUGE part of Japanese drinking culture, it likely pays to go with a lower calorie beverage.  All you have to do is ignore the fact that it is not beer, and just enjoy these drinks for what they are; a cheap and hopefully tasty beverage to start off a good evening.


If you've ever had a reasonably priced beer in Japan, you've probably had Happoshu or possibly 3rd Beer and didn't even notice, because reasonable priced beer is hard to come by. This goes without saying but despite Happoshu/3rd Beer being dirt cheap, it still beats every Bud and Miller product I've ever tasted.  

Now to put all this information to good use.  Go out and get a bit tipsy!  べろべろになろう！

What Commercials Are Teaching Us

Japanese TV and I have never really seen eye to eye.  Seriously Japan, why do you spend, literally, millions of dollars to produce commercials while spending what looks like $3.75 on the drama that these commercials air after.  Commercials are blockbuster quality yet Japanese dramas make American soap operas look like the latest Michael Bay film...but I digress.

Japanese commercials have given me a lot of insight into Japanese culture.  Not everything I learn watching CMs is positive, but I'm always learning.  This got me thinking about what other Americans, especially those not living in Japan, think about these commercials.  And if you flip that, what are Japanese learning from the garbage America produces?

Well I got a partial answer the other night when Tosh aired a Japanese commercial in which Tommy Lee Jones in singing.  There's no doubt that he looks completely out of place, but the commercial is supposed to be kinda serious yet just Jones' presence makes it funny to Americans.  Those Japanese sure are weird!  Yet Tommy Lee Jones has been doing commercials in Japan for years, and has become quite the icon.  Just thinking of the name Tommy Lee Jones makes me want a boss coffee.

I'll join him on the rainbow mountain any day

By the same token, American commercials are teaching Japanese that American men are only smart enough to order dollar food and also pansies who can't even voice an opinion to women.  Like this McDonald's commercial where some unfortunate bastard is afraid of getting kicked out of his house for considering Sundays are a good day for football.  I hope Japanese women don't watch too many of these American commercials and start thinking that's acceptable behavior...

Speaking of McDonald's, here is a Japanese McDonald's commercial.  Not only are they introducing something new, the shrimp filet, but its cheerful and the woman is happy not emasculating some poor sap.  And this commercial teaches us that Japanese women are adorable, and that you don't need to actually show any food to sell it.   Sure sex sells, but Japan doesn't really go for full on sex.  They usually go for ridiculously cute.  From this you can conclude that Japan has a strong kawaii culture while keeping up conservative appearances and not talking about actual sex.  See, we're learning!

Even if you've never been to Japan, you can just type CM into youtube, check out some videos and let the learning begin.   

あなたと居酒屋ファミリーマート

I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier, but Family Mart is one of the best Bars/Izakaya in town.

In the past, I've always used convenience stores as a cheap means of getting my evening started. Its cheaper, and drinking on the street is legal, so why not? Even a tall boy of strong chu-hai, around 8 or 9%, is just over 200yen. Not a bad price considering even the cheapest of izakaya (Torikizoku?) is 280 yen for a weak chu-hai or fake beer.

On one particular evening in Osaka, a buddy and I hit up the local Family Mart in Umeda. It started as just a way to kill some time and rest up after hiking up 20 floors of a new mall but after our second tall boy of chu-hai, it occurred to us that we had everything we need right there in the Family Mart.  Air Conditioning, seating, beer, and snacks all in one convenient location.  The only thing you're really missing is service, but if you're too drunk to get up and get your own drink you've probably had enough anyway....or you just need to kindly ask someone to get it for you.  It's Japan, they can't say no!

Okay, maybe getting drunk in the Family Mart isn't 'classy' enough for you.  Okay Mr Money Bags, head two blocks down the street to the Rikimaru.  Everything there is 300 yen.  Its also about the closest you'll get to a 'hibachi' restaurant in Japan.  The chef won't do any knife or egg flipping nonsense, but he will cook your food right in front of you (upstairs private seating also available).  All you have to do is just shout at him and tell him what you want.  Its a pretty sweet place and its ALWAYS crowded.  And don't forget the pièce de résistance: The Ramune Chuhai.  

I didn't mean to start plugging every restaurant in Osaka, I just thought I'd share a few trade secrets to the cheap folks out there.  I know PLENTY of places to drink that are expensive, but why spend 30,000 yen for an evening when you can have ten 3000 yen evenings.  Think about it.

Kakigoori - かき氷

Holy crap, it is the end of September and Japan is still hot. August is the worst but Japan seems to be hot and humid throughout the entire summer.  It doesn't help that stores and train stations are cutting down on energy use by using less AC.

If your like me, a gross sweaty gaijin, you will be ベタベタ(sticky) just minutes after taking an ice cold shower. But there are a few ways to battle the heat that I am picking up from the nihonjin that seem to have a much easier time than my gaijin counterparts.

1) uchiwa.- These are cheap plastic fans that you can get free just by finding the right street corner.  On any given day, dozens of unfortunate Japanese folks stand in the blistering heat and hand out fans and tissues to passers by.  The fans and packs of tissues are supposed to be a means of advertisement, but I don't even look at what they say anymore.  Nevertheless a free disposable fan is much appreciated on a hot humid day.

2) wash cloth- its kind of ojiisan-poi, but I would strongly recommend carrying around a wash cloth with you at all times during the summer.  You can pick them up anywhere for about 100yen, and it helps to mop the sweat from your face.  Seriously, I sweat more in Japan than I do anywhere else, but the kakigoori makes it worth it.  Which brings me to...

3) kakigoori - Shaved ice.  Damn I love this stuff.  It is not too different from what you can find in America (its just shaved ice and syrup) but the flavors are certainly Japanese and they sell it everywhere in the summer.  Green tea is alright but I'm a sucker for イチゴミルク (strawberry milk).

Dericious

4) be Japanese.  Lastly, it really helps to be Japanese.  The only Japanese people I see that actually sweat are old (in their 50's).  Everyone claims to be hot (I guarantee you'll hear 'atsui' more than 100 times a day) but you don't really see them sweat.  Since I'm not Japanese, I utilize the shower option at the internet cafes and use free cologne at Loft because Japan is a hot sticky mess that is unforgiving to gaijin.  That being said, I freakin love this country. 

Snack Time

Now for a section I'll call J Train's Snack Time Review....It has been a slow day.

At times, Japan's economy seems to run entirely on food. Because of this, I eat more than my fair share of snack food.  Much of my excessive munching comes from the fact that tons of snack foods are both seasonal and regional in Japan. This is great if you like a fantastic selection, but sucks once you find something delicious because it will not be around forever.  For this reason, when I see something that looks good, I buy it in bulk and I suggest you do the same.  I still have dreams about those apple flavored Kit Kat that go away...

My top 5 favorite snacks (until they disappear in favor of something new) in no particular order are as follows.

Jyagariko, Cheese Curry Flavor:  I've always been a huge fan of Jyagariko.  The Ume flavor was pretty good, but that was seasonal a while back, so I haven't seen it again.  You can always find Salad and Cheese flavors, but they get old after a while.  Cheese curry isn't very spicy, but you can definitely taste the Japanese curry.  Buy these before they're gone!

Wild Curry Pringles.  Yes, wild curry.  They aren't too spicy, but you can definitely taste the curry.  It has more of a Japanese curry than an Indian curry taste, but that is to be expected.  I've been dipping these in hummus and its ridiculously すばらしい!

 Lime Soda Gummy.  I've loved Pure Gumi since I had them 4 years ago. They are kind of like Sour Patch Kids, just with more unique flavors and you can find them EVERYWHERE.  Check out the above website, they have Lemon, Grape, Bitter Orange Squash, and Lemon Cola flavors.  Bet you didn't think I would say Bitter Orange Squash.  Kudos Japan.

Tomorokoshi Pretz.  For you gaijin, that means a thin pretzel flavored like corn and eel sauce (tomorokoshi).  Real tomorokoshi is popular around festival time.  It is just grilled corn and they top it with sweet-ish sauce, but will cost you around 300yen on the street.  Thank you Pretz for making this flavor much more affordable.

Don't be confused, the "BEER" label at the top of the bag just implies that it is good with beer.  I love how you can actually advertise that in Japan.  You hear that kids?  Buy these pretzels, they're great with booze!

Last and certainly not least, Umaibo.  For just 10yen you can buy yourself an over-sized Cheetoh.  Well, not a real Cheetoh, one of those fake cheese curls.  They have cheese, teriyaki,banana chocolate, kimchi and other sweet flavors and are sold in just about every convenience store, supermarket, and UFO catcher.  You'll know what I'm talking about when you see the guy on the package that totally looks like Doraemon but isn't doraemon.  I love Jyagariko but sometimes the prospect of 16 giant cheetohs for the same price as one Jyagariko is too hard to resist, especially when you can buy 16 completely different flavors.  And they're great with Chu-hai kids!


I guess the only thing left to say is "why can't I buy these things outside Japan??"  America had Wasabi Doritos for about a month but then they disappeared from the face of the earth.  Does anyone know if they still sell those?  They were delicious!!  The only company that seems to actually be trying are Skittles...Too bad I only use skittles to make Skittle Vodka...

Seriously Japan, really???

I just watched ダーリングは外国人 and a terrible commercial for a smartphone in japan. Both of which had a black dude (黒人) that I've seen in on ultra wifi posters in various train stations. Well, I made the mistake of asking why he was in those commercials/movie...and nobody can freakin tell me.

Does nobody else see whats odd about this picture??

 I'll give you a hint, it has nothing to do with the robot

Seriously though, Japan is not too big on asking questions, so it would not surprise me if this dude just showed up the day they were filming this commercial and nobody wanted to tell him to get out of the way of the camera.

Anyway, besides this mysterious black dude, the movie ダーリングは外国人 was okay, for a Japanese movie.  The first 30 minutes were kind of interesting, and I could definitely relate to a lot of the experiences.  It seems like every gaijin in Japan has a problem speaking Japanese.  Not because it's hard to speak it, but because as soon as you open your mouth people expect to hear English.  Even if you're the most fluent gaijin in Japan, nobody will 'hear' your Japanese.  Its a really weird phenomenon and this movie opens with this sort of exchange within the first 5 minutes.

The movie is based on a manga (or an Anime?), so throughout the movie they show little cartoon clips that look like this.  To keep the mood light, they also show brief clips of interracial couples (Japanese women and some kind of foreigner) who share little stories about their relationship.  That's a cute idea, except EVERY gaijin was a total goober.  The main character Tony was the only one who represented us gaijin in a good light. 

Like I said, the first 30 minutes were kind of interesting, then the movie kind of drags on, so don't feel bad if you fall asleep, I certainly did!

So if you're a cool gaijin in Japan, give this movie a try, and then go out and continue to be awesome to offset some of the damage caused by this movie.