Red Light Post

Just in case you all thought I was joking about this stuff, I absolutely was not. In this rough economy, even the sex industry is slashing its prices but I’m honestly surprised this is not more popular. You would think that if places in America offered a legal 'full release' massage there would be a line out the door 3 miles long. I think it is a conspiracy by the strip clubs to keep these kinds of places outlawed in America. Whose going to go spend 100 bucks at a SC when they can actually get results for 30 bucks?

The safety of the red light district in Tokyo actually makes the list for reasons why Tokyo is awesome. Though the girls that work at these sort of places aren't the best Tokyo has to offer (and they usually aren't even Japanese) and many are well into their 30's, it is still amazing to be able to walk the streets and listen to these women give you their 'sales pitch' without worrying about getting mugged and/or shanked. They even serve you tea while you're waiting for your massage!....so I've been told. There is something to be learned here; when you make something legal, the government can then regulate it and make it safe. But in Japan, everywhere is safe anyway, so it’s DOUBLE SAFE.

Tokyo around 3am - safest place on earth

So if you just so happen to be walking the red light district in Tokyo and hear the words Kimochi ii (気持ちいい) and massa-ji (マッサージ), then you are likely in the right place.

Weird Ass Japan

I’m a huge fan of cracked.com, and a common theme on the website is how ridiculous Japan is. Here is what most readers think of Japan. While it’s easy to blame the media….you know what, I’ll just blame the media. The only stuff from Japan to make it to the US is their over the top and usually perverted アニメ (incorrectly pronounced anne-ih-may), even stranger porn, sushi, bad お酒 (incorrectly pronounced sock-ee), and more recently, Hello Kitty.

Did you know that all Japanese AV (adult video) has to be censored so you can’t actually see anything? When you have to blur all the good parts, you end up getting creative to keep people's interest. The weird AV that you see now is sort of the movie companies’ way of exploiting a loophole. Apparently Japan feels like you shouldn't see genitals, but it's okay to see 23 dudes take on one crying teenager...but I digress.

Its crazy how quickly the weird aspects and traditions of one culture spread to another faster than the legitimate aspects. For instance, America views Japan as a workaholic, rice & endangered species eating, tentacle loving, fetish haven; While they view America as an obese, rude, guns and beef loving, crime infested crap hole. I think the major problem is both parties are getting all their information on each other from youtube or their local news. Its fun to say Japan sells used underwear in vending machines or that everyone in Japan knows karate, but that just isn't the case.

This Scene is Not Normal

It is a bit odd that Japan is pushing the cool Japan slogan, when its key exports are anime, video games, and TV's - 3 things least likely to be associated with the word 'cool. Meanwhile, all of the best stuff from Japan (umeshu, jyagariko, sexy fashion, trains, and some music) is nowhere to be found in America. You need to get on that Japan. America needs to know what you really have to offer. At least send over a few skinny girls once in a while to help counteract America's morbid obesity.

地震の後

This is the kind of stuff I love to hear about Japan. I can rant all I want about how awesome Japan and its residents are, but this goes beyond words.

In the midst of America sensationalizing and over exaggerating a small radiation leak, you can find stories of Japanese people sticking together and following social order. Does everyone remember hurricane Katrina and how COPS in New Orleans were looting everything they could
find??? I sure as hell do. Japan just got rocked by a ridiculously large earthquake and tsunami, and they’re waiting patiently in lines for absolutely essential items. Some have had to ride bikes for miles just to find This disaster has given Japan a chance to show its true
colors, and they are radiant. Besides the chu-hais and wonderfully skinny and sexy women, this is my favorite aspect of Japan. Though it is a source of conflict at times for my more individualistic mind set, the cohesion and morality in Japan is beyond compare.

There is little crime and everyone finds a way to get along though there are more than 10 times as many people per square mile than in the US. You could leave a sack of money in the middle of
Umeda station and pick it up the next day from lost and found. In all seriousness, I know folks who have left suitcases unattended for 10+ hours in the stations to go sightseeing only to find their suitcases exactly where they left them.

This may be surprising to some (Americans), but there are parts of the world where people are not douches. There is a socially acceptable way to behave and treat fellow human beings, and no disaster should change that. Thank you Japan for providing a fantastic example of non-douchery.

感覚論

Okay, I guess I should comment on the nuclear 'crisis' in Japan. I suppose the most obvious comment is 'Seriously, Fukushima has nothing to do with Chernobyl'

The problem is that 'radiation' is a buzz word. Much like 'asbestos' or 'carcinogens', people know these things are 'bad' but have absolutely no idea at what levels or how these bad things even spread. Even Chernobyl's radiation didn't spread more than 30 miles outside the site. This probably explains why Americans have been buying up iodine pills. These pills protect your thyroid against cancer caused by radiation exposure. Yes, Americans are buying pills that only protect one gland from radiation exposure from a scenario that is practically impossible all the way in the US…Am I the only one who is completely confused???.

There is already a growing fear of Japanese food as well. If there was a reactor leak in Nine Mile Point, New York, would you stop buying Florida Oranges?? If you are in East Asia, yes, yes you
would. There are hotel menus that have started removing sushi from their menus because of radiation fears.

If anyone has this situation on lockdown, its Japan. Seriously, Japan had power up and running in Hiroshima hours after the bomb went off. We're talking about the country that invented the Playstation, Chu-hai and the glasses free 3-D TV!

As you can see, I am getting a tad annoyed by all the fearmongering. But perhaps the biggest annoyance is the fact that when the dust settles and everything is okay, nobody will have learned anything...

アメリカ人には常識が欠けている。。。

Chopsticks Etiquette, Mostly 嫌い橋

First off, learn how to use chopsticks. It takes approximately 5 seconds to learn.

Now you know

Done? Now that you’ve learned, here are some rules that go along with them.

Most of these are common sense, and things like ‘don’t stick chopsticks in your nose or in your mouth (銜え箸) and then make walrus sounds’ are not mentioned. The key ones are:

Don’t stab and leave your chopsticks sticking out of your rice, because it is considered rude and resembles the incense placed in sand at a funeral.

Don’t pass food to other peoples chopsticks using your own because this also relates to dead people according to the link above.

Don’t use your chopsticks to pull bowls/plates closer to you. (寄せ箸)

If you remember those, you should be solid. Keep in mind, these are really only rules you should follow when drinking with coworkers/a boss or when you’re trying to impress your Japanese significant other’s family. When eating with friends, especially when you’re just a dumb foreigner, you can let these rules go a bit. My Japanese friends stir their drinks, ‘bridge’, and lick their chopsticks all the time. Who cares?? Old people, that’s who.

There is only one downside to being able to use chopsticks in Japan is you have to hear 'good chopstick skills!' (お箸上手!) every 5 minutes. Apparently, white people are not expected to be able to handle this skill, and Japanese will compliment you on it every chance they get. Its nice to hear at first but is kind of an insult when you think about it. You’re not getting complimented on your good hashi skills, your getting complimented on actually being able to use them even though you have the handicap of being foreign.

地震！！

Unless you've been in a coma for the past couple days, you will have heard something about Japan and the recent big ass earthquake. Japan has earthquakes all the time, but obviously something of this magnitude is not common.

The Tokyo area typically gets about 2 earthquakes a month, but they do little more that rattle the cups in your cabinets. Most earthquakes in Japan won't even wake you up if you were sleeping. The Osaka area gets a few quakes too, the most famous being the Kobe earthquake in 1995.

A lot of people don't realize this but the cities are extremely safe from earthquakes. Skyscrapers are built with extreme care and many people go to Japan to study how to design buildings that can resist earthquakes. Residential areas are another story. Japanese homes tend to be made of little more than wood and paper. Seriously, there is little resale value in homes in Japan. It is ofter cheaper to demolish a home and rebuild rather than renovate. This is part of the reason that a Tsunami in a rural area is so destructive.

The few weeks leading up to the earthquake, you may or may not have heard of the volcano that was erupting in southern Japan. Japan is a disaster prone country. Typhoon (台風), Tsunami (津波), earthquakes (地震) are no strangers to Japan...but I'll take it over America any day.

レストラン

If you’ve ever been to Japan, you’ll almost immediately notice hundreds of familiar stores/restaurants from America. Subway, McDonalds, Cold Stone, KFC, Baskin Robins, Burger King, Dennys, Pizza Hut and now Aunt Annie’s Pretzels to name a few. Even Mister Donuts, now considered a staple of Japan, was once a Boston based company. I’m a little confused about AM/PM. The first time I saw them was in Japan but I’ve actually found them in Vegas and DC. Krispy Cream used to be popular in Japan, but those gross donuts finally fizzled out a few years ago.

Despite the name being extremely familiar, the store itself will likely be worlds different. And by ‘different’, I of course mean ‘better’. I know I’ve already mentioned how fantastic conbinis are in Japan, but Subway and cold stone blow America away too.

First of all, Subway in Japan has variety. There are many ‘set’ options, as well as many more types of subs. I particularly appreciate how there is more than one vegetarian sub on the menu (holy crap, did japan just beat America at vegetarianism too?). Avocado shrimp, avocado veggie, egg, herb dog, Cajun chickin are just a few of the sub choices. And you can get freakin French fries with your meal!! Also soup…but freakin French fries, hell yeah!! You can even get different types of seasoning for your fries if you’re feeling frisky. Lets not forget that you can wash this all down with a melon soda…this is making me hungry.

As for cold stone in Japan, the first thing you’ll notice is a lack of morbidly obese kids and their parents who walked a whole 10 feet today so they decided to treat themselves to a 3000 calorie shake. Cold stone in Japan is a bit expensive, but well worth hearing the employees sing in Japanese. The cold stone I found in Roppongi is a bit off the beaten path, but worth a trip, check it out. There are others throughout Tokyo and other big cities in Japan as well.

I know it sounds pretty weak to go to a foreign country only to go to the same restaurants you’d normally go to, but they are most certainly not the same thing. You can get a lot of insight into Japanese culture if you really soak in all the differences.

ひな祭り

One of Japan’s lesser known festivals is the Hina Matsuri, often called Girls Day. Japanese celebrate their daughters on 3/3 by setting out dolls and eating specific foods.

The dolls, representing the emperor and empress, are supposed to be taken out early, around February ,and put away before right after the festival. Failure to put them away in a timely manner is bad luck…OOOOOHHHH. The only answer I got for the ‘bad luck’ was from
Wikipedia, which says “leaving the dolls past March 4 will result in a late marriage for the daughter” This festival can trace its origins to more than 1000 years ago, back when people used the lunar calendar, so placing a specific date on ‘bad luck’ seems a little ridiculous…almost as ridiculous as believing in bad luck in the 21st century.


The dolls and displays range from simple (as shown) to insanely elaborate. No matter how elaborate your set-up is, the emperor and empress always go on top, and the other dolls, like attendants and samurai, are placed on a specific lower tier.

The food that people typically eat is Hina Arare. It is popped rice covered in a sugar or chocolate coating. You usually leave the Hina Arare near the dolls (because it's their food?) and then eat it at the end of the festival. They are pretty good, so give it a try some time.

As for other holidays, I believe the next holiday in Japan is March 20th, though its not really exciting...