Following the Rules

Japan is a country of rules. Whether they are written rules or unspoken is not exactly relevant, they will be followed just the same. I am of course speaking in generalities, but if you’ve spent any time in Japan you’ll notice that the vast majority of its citizens follow society’s laws, a definite shock to those from America. These rules, and the ability to actually follow them, make Japan a peaceful and harmonious place even in big cities where there are 14,000 people / square mile. (4000/km^2 for those of you smart enough to know metric)


Much of what upsets me about Japan (which is not very much) stems from my desire to break rules and Japan not taking too kindly to that. In my head, rules are there for a reason: to govern people too stupid to know any better. Rules can also be broken when nobody is looking. In
Japan, the rules are for everyone. These rules, as a big picture provide a safe and cohesive Japan. The little picture involves it being 3 am with approximately 2 cars on the road, while people still wait for the light to tell you that its okay to cross the street. I certainly don’t do that, but many Japanese people do.

Even the more racist rules, like not letting us white folks in to bars and other establishments (usually bars where women are paid to talk to you), are followed without hesitation. It doesn't happen too often but it still stings every time I'm denied service for being white. But in the back of my mind I know that in the past some pompous businessmen came to Japan, couldn't keep their hands to themselves, and have forever ruined it for the rest of us.

In the wake of the recent earthquake/tsunami disaster, Japans conviction has been commended in many news reports. And speaking of news reports, there are rules for that too. Rather than
sensationalize the disaster (I’m looking at you CNN, FOX, NBC, everyone else), there is a method of reporting in which you give the facts and try to invoke as little panic as possible. This of course makes the news reports a little more boring, but it’s a nice feeling being able to listen to the news and actually believe some of what is being said.

Changes in Perception

I can’t stress enough how much my perception of Japan changed over the years. It truly does surprise me. It makes me wonder how much of the stuff I believe about Europe and South America is completely untrue. Though, I’m pretty sure Germans wearing socks and sandals is fact…and gross.

Here are some minute and detailed things I didn’t realize were completely unfounded.
For starters, I was under the impression that Japanese people were bento eating, judo knowing, train riding, fetish loving, anime watching smart people. I could not have been more wrong. I can’t think of one Japanese person that fits all of these characteristics. In fact, some of these attributes, like anime and fetishes, are such a minority that it makes no sense why I would have ever believed that.

Eating bento, Japanese box lunch, though fairly common, is not quite as popular as I first imagined. Many department stores and some restaurants sell these pre-made lunches with many different dishes in their own compartments, but they don’t seem to be as popular as grabbing a quick bowl of ramen or gyuudon. My perception may be skewed by the fact that eating bento is not really done in public places, but I’m pretty sure this is not the most popular method of eating lunch.

Much to my dismay, martial arts is about as popular in Japan as it is in America, so being a black belt does not do much for my nanpa game. Weak.

Okay, I was basically right about riding trains, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t cars in Japan, just fewer. Trains are awesome and efficient, but they are by no means the only way to travel in Japan. Taxis, buses, my friends’ cars, and bicycles are just as important to my travel in Japan as trains are. Plus, if you want to see what rural Japan has to offer, or the beach, good luck finding a train that goes there.

Another popular myth was that Anime in Japan has more cursing and violence than what you see on cartoon network. Well, more cursing would be quite a feat since Japanese doesn’t really have any curse words. Kuso, chikusho, kisama, are loosely interpreted as shit, son of a bitch, asshole respectively. However...
Kuso can also be used pretty lightly, depending on intonation. Like 'mekuso' can be used to describe the crap that's in your eyes when you wake up.
Chikusho, is now pretty outdated, and just means beast. I guess it’s crude by Japanese standards, but by no means a four letter word.

I'm getting off topic but I'll close with words I've learned that do offend people.

Kisama and Omae are fairly rude things to call someone to their face (they literally mean 'you'...just a rude version). They aren't curse words per se, but are good at getting a rise out of people nonetheless. Myself and my other bromodachi use Omae when talking to women, because why not?

When you want to refer to some other asshole across the room, aitsu is a good choice.

Backwards Japan

Let’s face it, Japan is bassackwards. Rules that govern life in America, and the rest of the world, generally don’t apply in Japan. America is getting fatter while Japan is getting skinnier. The dollar is getting weaker while the yen gets stronger. You are probably aware of these already, so let me hit you with some knowledge about the less well known “rules” that Japan doesn’t know how to follow.

Construction workers get chicks, while wearing parachute pants. Think I'm joking about the parachute pants?

I was not.

That alone tends to exclude you from contact with women outside of a 80’s throwback party. Seriously though, Japanese construction workers get the best women. The most dolled up, gorgeous chicks are joined to these tan, Japanese MC Hammer lookalikes. I believe a lot of it has to do with Japanese construction works have muscles and tans, which are quite the opposite of the average Japanese guy.

Houses typically drop in value. Housing in Japan is a bit different, to say the least. First of all. there is little space for them. Secondly, they generally are not designed to last. Japan is constantly growing up, and expanding while natural disasters tear it down. There is just no
point in trying to design a house that will last more than a decade. Much like cars in America, houses tend to depreciate in value rather quickly (I'm not saying they are cheap, they just don't retain their value very well). I’ve seen many cases where houses are simply torn down and rebuilt, because it’s cheaper than renovating.

Crime and drug use is low while AIDS is high. Japan is very good at getting the ‘drugs are bad’ propaganda out there, but strangely silent when it comes to sex education. It may just be my experiences, but I know several Japanese girls who actually started having sex before knowing how you get pregnant. Most of these fine young ladies lost their virginity around 13. This is a combination of the Japanese tradition of not talking about anything real, and old people running the government. If there is one thing old people are good at, its amnesia. All those old folks seem to think they grew up just fine, but they obviously didn’t because...

I don't get it.

This is a pretty big issue. If I received any good advice upon arriving at Kansai Gaidai, it was to WRAP IT UP. Plus, being on the pill is still kind of taboo in Japan (but its getting better), so its not worth the risk of having some slant eyed versions of yourself running around Japan.

Before I completely scare you, there is a trend lately of Japanese women getting so skinny that they stop having their period. Yes, Japanese women are frail, beautiful, and probably can't have kids. Perfect, right??

和牛

I'm thinking of a Japanese food. Beef in particular. It involves a cow that is fed a diet of beer and sake . This cow receives massages everyday so that its meat is tender and comes out in a nice marble pattern. What am I thinking of??

If you said Kobe Beef, I can't blame you. This is the most popular type of 和牛 (Wagyu, Japanese Beef) in America, but is by no means the only type of Japanese beef that receives this special massage and beer treatment. Also, Kobe Beef is pronounced Koh Bay, not Koh Bee

Not Beef

Yonezawa, Matsusaka, Mishima and Sanda are also famous Japanese beef brands, they are just not as well known in America. I haven't eaten any meat for some time now, so I have never tried these, but I don't think I would even want to. Not because of a moral objection, (because frankly these cows have a better life than I do) but a health and money conscious objection.

It is important to know that these meats, while insanely expensive, are not at all healthy. They are famous for their high fat-meat ratio. That marble pattern in the beef is a whole lot of fat, though it may not be possible to ingest enough to be unhealthy because you would go bankrupt before that would ever happen. Seriously, about 200 grams of this stuff is around 2万円. That's 8oz for $200 for you western folk.

Sure, you can justify that price if you really want to give this stuff a try....OR you could purchase chu-hais and beer for all your friends and not be a selfish jerk...just sayin'

Credit Cards

Credit Cards (クレジットカード) work a little bit differently in Japan. I was actually a little confused the first time I used a credit card in Japan so maybe this will clear some things up. I still use my American credit cards in Japan, its just a matter of communication.

In Japan, banks, paychecks, and credit cards work a bit differently. For example, most people receive no actual paycheck because money is directly deposited in their banks. This is only recently becoming more common in America. Japan also does not use checks...ever. I guess the idea of writing any dollar amount on a piece of paper and being able to use it sounds pretty retarded in the first place. Without checks, credit cards and bills just take the money right from your bank account, a practice that is also becoming more popular in America now.

"So whats the point of a credit card if they just deduct the money from your bank account?" you ask? That didn't quite make since to me either, until I heard the cashier ask me how many times I wanted to charge my purchase at the register. The number you pick is the amount of payments you'll be making. For example, if you say "5" on a purchase of $1000, around $200 per month will be deducted from your Japanese bank account. For those with American credit cards, its easier to just charge it once so that the full charge appears on your next bill.

I suppose people are better at planning for the future in Japan, because you must pick your payment plan at the time of purchase. Considering most jobs in Japan pay you every month, Japanese must be used to planning ahead already.

Shiba Ken vs Shiba Inu

Japan has some very ancient dog breeds. Which kind of makes sense because it is a very isolated island with a rich and long history. You have likely heard of at least one of these dogs, the Shiba Inu.

Shiba in Japanese means 'the most adorable thing you've ever goddamn seen'

If you have ever heard of the shiba inu, then you already know half of the actual Japanese name for this dog! The kanji for the Japanese Shiba is 柴犬. By themselves, the left kanji is pronounced 'shiba' and the right 'inu'. But, if you know anything about kanji you'll know that combining them creates new words and sounds.

人 (hito) + 口 (kuchi) = 人口　(Jinkou) : Population
親 (oya) + 友 (tomo) = 親友　(Shinyuu) : Close Friend
The list goes on and on, and Shibaken is no exception.


In Japan, everyone calls it a Shibaken. Though there is some debate about how the dog obtained the ‘shiba’ part of their name...

Side note, these dogs are pretty sweet. They look like small dingos and are a pretty popular breed in Japan due to its relatively small size and being a well known ancient dog originating in Japan.


The only problem is getting them to sit still....

Why Do You Love Japan?

This is a question asked of expats and general travelers alike (I was asked twice today). Unfortunately it is often a loaded question where the one asking is just waiting to refute whatever you have to say.

Myself: I love Japan because it’s the safest, most beautiful place I’ve ever been.

Some dude: Yeah, but we have guns and steak and cars. I can’t live without my cars, guns, and steak…

Myself: Well you can keep your guns and cars, I’ll take my 90lb women, cheap canned booze, and a reliable train system not covered in urine.

It is pretty easy to respond to loaded questions. If someone is generally interested in what you have to say, it is incredibly difficult to sum up Japan in 3-5 bullet points, but I did my best.

Seriously, even though Japan seems like one big city, it is squeaky clean. It has its fair share of sketchy , dirty back alleys and homeless people, but compared to Miami, New York, Vegas, Seoul, anywhere else I’ve ever been, Japan is the cleanest. You don’t see gum on the sidewalk. You don’t see newspapers and cigarette butts in the streets. You don’t see graffiti on the subway. You don’t see condoms in parking lots. Dare I go on?

Notice the lack of dog turds and Chinese takeout pamphlets.

You don’t need to drive. Not that driving is that much of a pain in the ass, but think about all the money you spend on a car, gas, maintenance, and insurance. Wouldn’t it be nice if you had that extra money in your pocket? Yes, trains, taxis and buses cost money, but you don’t really NEED to take these modes of transportation. Even in the outskirts of major cities a bar, grocery store, conbini, restaurant, or anywhere else is just a 20 min or less walk or a 10 minute bike ride. To add to that, there is ZERO need for a designated driver. Just take a second to soak that in. You can drink as much as you want, whenever you want and never have to worry about getting home. Lastly, though trains can take a bit of time, it is time that you can be productive. Emails, reading, stock exchange, whatever you can bring with you can be done during your commute. Also, Asians can't drive...Still no trash

I’ve never been in a better mood or better shape than in Japan. Not only is Japanese food inherently more healthy (yakiniku and corn mayonnaise pizza excluded) but the extra biking and walking does wonders. After a few short weeks in Japan you'll be one genki SOB. As a bonus, you are surrounded by a population just as skinny and sexy as you are.

True, Japan is not for everyone, but I believe a lot of this has to do with everyone being retarded.