カタカナ

I could talk all day on Katakana, but I will try not to. Katakana makes up half of the Japanese phonetic alphabet and is typically used to sound out words that are 'borrowed' from other languages. It comes in handy for sounding out foreign names as well. Some words make learning 'Japanese' seem like the easiest thing in the world. Other words make your brain want to leap out of your skull and punch the closest person in the face. It is a blessing, and a curse to the Japanese language. Here are a few easy to learn words to make you sound more fluent...followed by a few words that will pain you to speak because it sounds so ridiculous.

Pinku (ピンク): pink. Easy right?
Nyuusu (ニュース) : News. Like the kind on TV.
Gei (ゲイ): Gay. In the very homosexual sense of the word.
Kiro (キロ): Kilogram. Good to know since Japanese are smart enough to use metric.
Raisu (ライス): Rice. The cooked kind.
Karori- (カロリー): Calorie. Just because the word above reminded me.
Konpyu-ta- (コンピューター): Computer.
Biiru (ビール): Beer. A word you will never forget.

Now for the stupid ones...

Charenji (チャレンジ): Challenge. This is actually a very useful word in Japanese, but its meaning is a little off kilter. In this sense, you use challenge for when you try something new, or challenge yourself.
Fechi (フェチ): Besides the fact that it sounds like you’re giving your dog a command, this word is overly used in Japanese. It means fetish, but not necessarily the weird fetishes. You can use the word to describe anything you like about the opposite sex.
Manshon (マンション): What do you think this means? If you guessed small apartment, you’re absolutely correct.
Arerugi (アレルぎ): It took me saying this word 47 times to guess this one, so I’ll save you the trouble. Allergy.
Miruku (ミルク): Since when was milk a three syllable word? Seriously?
Kanningu (カンニング): Nope, not cunning. That would actually make sense. Instead it somehow means cheating. You pair it with the verb for ‘to do’ and it becomes to cheat. Class, don’t do the cunning during a test!
Metabo (メタボ): Possibly short for metabolism? Eh, you’re half right..ish. It is short for metabolic syndrome and means overweight. Some comedians have based their entire bit on this word.

Once you get over how stupid you sound saying English words like a toddler, Japanese will just open up for you. Katakana words, though kind of stupid, are the easiest to remember, so study up and learn this crucial element of the Japanese language.

More JET Fire

After expelling a lot of hate on the JET program, I decided to do a little more research and learn some more about this retarded program. I haven’t quite pinpointed the source of its failure, but I did find another JET with some stupid ideas and someone else who tries to let JET off the hook. So…maybe I was right in the first place.

Regarding this first JET, he has some ideas for helping teach English in Japan. His first idea being that Katakana should not be used in the classroom. While I do agree with this, he goes on to say that Roman characters (the kind you’re reading right now) can be used to represent Japanese sounds, but Katakana cannot be used to represent English….in this case, he is only half right.

I am reminded of my days studying Japanese at UMD with a book written in the 80’s and entirely in English characters. Needless to say, I didn’t learn much from that book, because I wasn’t really reading Japanese. Losing Katakana and using more English would give Japanese kids more exposure to the language, and would likely help out in the long run but the idea of Romaji accurately representing Japanese is absolutely false. There is no way to use roman characters to represent all Japanese sounds, because English simply does not have those sounds.
Take らりるれろ and が for instance. In roman characters, they are written RA RI RU RE RO and GA respectively, but this is just as close as English can get to writing these sounds. For RA, the actual pronunciation is like a fusion of LA and RA while flicking your front teeth. This is why they are sometimes written LA LI LU LE LO, and also why Crown and Clown sound the same to many Japanese.

It is also why somebody thought this was a good idea.

They are not used to distinguishing the differences between R and L, because the closest thing they have is something in the middle.

As for GA, you can pretty much say it the way it is spelled and get away with it, but I have noticed that the Tokyo (standard) dialect tends to put a nasally sound at the front of GA, particularly when women say it. When they say it, it sounds more like nGA. These are just a couple examples where roman characters fall short of representing Japanese. So for all of you studying Japanese out there, read Japanese and do not settle for Romaji! You’ll only be hurting yourself. It only takes a few days to learn the phonetic alphabet anyway..

As for the second Article, it attempts at defending JET but JET just seems even more stupid after reading it. Debito Arutou points out that the E in JET does not even stand for English, JET’s main goal is not teaching English, and the ‘teachers’ are not qualified to teach. That sounds like a worthwhile program to me!

After bashing JET a bit, Debito goes on to make some very valid points. English classes in Japan are HORRIBLE, and it seems like everyone knows it but is too stubborn to change it. This is why English cafes are so popular, because Japanese are desperate to speak the language – an opportunity rarely given in an English class.

Language is also fluent and ever-changing. How do you tell if someone’s English is WRONG? Did they get the point across? If your dialect is different from the standard, does that make your version wrong? I'm pretty sure I made like, um, bout 20 grammer mistakes in this post alone. But you know what I'm talking about....right guys?

JET

How does someone get to Japan? One option (typically a last option) is the JET Program. The JET (Japanese Exchange and Teaching) program is for lack of a better word…retarded. Let me clarify. The idea of the JET program is great, but the problem is that it is run in such a terrible manner, that nobody benefits. The idea is to send native English speakers to Japan to teach English the way it is naturally spoken. I’ll list their problems in list format from here on out because thinking about JET makes me too angry to form a complete thought.

JET only hires morons. From my many friends and acquaintances that have applied for JET there has been a common theme to the ones that were accepted. Those ‘qualified’ to teach could barely locate Japan on a map and had little to no knowledge of Japanese culture outside of Anime. The only educational requirement for JET is that your native language be English and you have a Bachelor's Degree in 'something'. It is a running joke that you should wear an Evangelion T-shirt to you interview to improve your odds of getting accepted (for the longest time I thought JET stood for Jackasses in Evangelion T-shirts). It is never spoken of openly, but JET fears charismatic, intelligent teachers (who can actually speak Japanese) because they can easily leave the program and get another, better, job in Japan. The less you know about Japan and Japanese, the less likely you are to jump their ship.

You can only be in JET for 5 years. This probably has something to do with the number of applicants they get or the fact that they want young, energetic people for their program but it seems more likely that they just want younger folks who will put up with JET's BS and not ask too many questions (being under 40 is an application requirement). You typically sign a one year contract and have to renew it every year you wish to continue. It almost seems like once you get the position you are fighting for your life to keep it. This is a dumb system because once you get the hang of teaching English, they kick you out and some other idiot has to learn from scratch. The kids get inexperienced teachers over and over again, and learn little English as a result.

You will likely get placed in the middle of nowhere. This is not really the JET program’s fault. So many people sign up for JET and want to be in Tokyo, Osaka, Kyoto, and other key cities, but there are just not as many open spaces in these cities as there are applicants. Picking your top 3 cities you want to be located in is part of the application process, but you rarely get any of those locations. Odds are if you do get accepted into JET, you will be in some unknown city with a population of around 100 people. I know some folks that were put in this situation and had to take a bus and train for 2 hours to get to somewhere that had convenience stores. Getting placed in the middle of nowhere also has the added inconvenience of learning non-standard (incomprehensible) Japanese.

There are many different types of English. This isn't so much of a 'problem' but have you ever heard a Japanese person speak English with an Australian accent?? It'll blow your freakin mind!! To add to that, what the hell is rubbish? The word is trash!

Me Hate JET! I think a lot of my excessive, and possibly misguided, hate comes from actually seeing the JET program and it's participants in action. The JETs in Japan are very cliquey. They only hang out with other JETs and only speak English. I met some JETs that lived in Japan for 4 years and could only order noodles in Japanese. You'll also notice that well spoken English is hard to find in Japan.

If you are a decent human being who has a fondness for Japan, you have an uphill battle getting accepted by JET. If you do in fact get accepted, and don’t mind the bureaucratic bull crap, then power to ya, and enjoy those next 5 years! You deserve it!

But you certainly have your work cut out for you. MANY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Hikikomori

Oh no!!! According to the Japanese news, incidents of Hikikomori have reached a national crisis!!

National Crisis?? Really??

First let me clarify what Hikikomori is. Its this phenomenon where people, typically younger men, shut themselves in their rooms for years and never leave. It would be complete isolation if it weren't for the fact that many hikikomori spend hours a day on the computer. They are usually supported by their parents financially and even have food brought to their room. I have also heard of Hikikomori that have locked themselves in the kitchen.

America has this same group of people, but they're not called hikikomori. They're called Gamers/WOW players, virgins or Lazy. I think 'National Crisis' might be overstating this situation just a bit. The problem is that Japan is a nation of copy cats. This probably has something to do with their group mentality. I've noticed that when anything happens in Japan, whether its a kid never leaving his room for 5 years or a crazy person's stabbing spree in a train station, there are swarms of copy cats after. Maybe its a way to get attention or just the fact that one person does it makes people think its okay.

True, Japan (like other Asian countries) imposes a lot of social pressure on its citizens. But Japan also has beer/liquor vending machines and legal happy endings. Trust me, life in Japan is not that stressful. I do have a different perspective though, because being a foreigner means less pressure to be Japanese (i.e. work your ass off to be accepted by Japan).

Its also very possible the Japanese media is just blowing a situation completely out of proportion, as always...false alarm folks

ドンキホーテ

For those of you unfamiliar, Don Quixote is a staple of Japan (actually, I think there is one in Hawaii too). It's like a Wal-mart...without the evil.

This store is absolute magic. I’ve seen them in Tokyo, Hirakata, Downtown Osaka…they’re everywhere. I love this place because it is an interesting combination of boardwalk crap store, grocery store, and circuit city all in one. Seriously, whatever you need, you can find there. I’ve used this fine establishment to buy stuff ranging from laundry detergent, cup noodles, cologne, helmets, and even seifuku.

They don’t just sell cheap stuff either. They sell designer sunglasses, bags, jewelry, you name it. You could walk out of Don Quixote paying anything from 100 to 200,000 円 for a single item. That’s why I love it! Unlike Wal-mart in America which is home to the worst human beings on the planet, Don Quixote has something for all the normal people out there. Go ahead and check it out.

I gotta say, I’m partial to the seifuku section. Of course, you would expect a store with the website DONKI.COM to have a good selection of this kind of stuff. A lot of my friends used it to do their Halloween shopping too, since Halloween isn't very big in Japan. If you can’t find something to fit your tastes at Don Quixote, you should probably be in prison. They were even selling a nazi uniform for a while...if you're in to that sort of thing...

The jingle is not too shabby either. Okay, the jingle is a little dumb, but I guarantee you'll be singing it for the next three days after listening to it. Actually, the whole point of me writing this post is because I can't get this song out of my friggin head!

Keep a good eye out for Don Quixote (ドンキホーテ) and its pimptastic penguin.

Two Types of Women

Here's a little gem of information for you.

This is a running theory some friends and I have about women in Japan... This theory was not just developed over night, its been time tested so don't disregard it too quickly. There are two types of women (or maybe I should say girls, haven't really tested this on the above 25 crowd) , and they are Kobukuro girls, and Exile girls.

Kobukuro girls, if you haven't already guessed after clicking the link, are the kind of girls you would like to take home to your family. These girls are typically smart, a little shy, respond well to compliments, and can usually see through your B.S. so get your game face on if you're just trying to pick them up. Oh, and they like Kobukuro - hence the name.

Exile girls are on the other end of the spectrum. These are the kind of girls that you wouldn't really want to take home...A love hotel would be more appropriate. They are fun to be around, far from shy, and easy to talk to (though the conversation may be stupid). Karaoke is way more fun with Exile girls.

Can you identify the Kobukuro and Exile girls??

Trick question, they are all exile girls.

To simplify, think of life as a horror movie. Is the girl you're talking to going to survive till the next 3 sequels?? She's probably a Kobukuro girl. Is she going to get drunk, show some skin and then get stabbed 3 minutes into the movie?? Exile girl.

Still not sure which kind of girl you're talking to? Have a buddy bring up that he likes either Exile or Kobukuro. If she agrees, you know what you're dealing with. If she disagrees, just creep on in and say you like the other group and get your keitai ready, cause you're about to get a phone number. Its that easy.

Space

One of the most knee jerk responses from American's when talking about Japan seems to be "I couldn't live like that. I need my car and I need space." And if you live in America, I can completely understand this. You absolutely need a car to get anywhere important and you need some space to get away from all the jerk-faces that populate America. In Japan, however, neither a car nor space is required...or wanted.

Keep in mind that there are about 127 million people in Japan, which is about 145K square miles. America is about 300 million people in 3.8 million square miles, so Japan has around 11 times as many people per square mile. All that basically means is there is no space to screw around with and waste on frivolous things (like cars).

This may be one of those chicken and the egg things but Japanese people also don't seem to want a large home and especially don't want to own one. If they do own one they usually didn't get around to buying their home till their 30's or later. Renting a small apartment seems to be the way to go.

This article I came across describes the living conditions quite well. Living spaces in Japan are certainly 'small' by American standards, but they are by no means inadequate. There is plenty of space to eat, sleep, and cook. If you are not lazy and you fold up your futon every morning, you get an additional 25+ square feet of floor space! Throwing a party is difficult if you plan on inviting more than 4 people, but that is what Izakayas are for. There are a variety of izakaya to choose from, and many have private rooms if you're still concerned about your privacy.

The showers do tend to be a little tiny in apartments, but take a quick stroll over to the water hotel and enjoy a shower the size of a master bedroom. Apartment size also seems to be a matter of priorities. Keep in mind that salarymen work insane hours, so they only need a place to sleep anyway.

For those of you who still find the idea of living in a 400 sf apartment difficult, don't worry. Life in Japan changes you, usually for the better. Once you get over there you'll find yourself wanting to be outside, and you won't have time to worry about the size of your apartment. By the time you stumble back to your place you'll be too hammered to even notice, trust me.

日本 Stuff

Name 3 things that are Japanese....GO!

...odds are, you mentioned Sake (お酒). You probably also mentioned kimchi and Jackie Chan, you freakin' racist!

Like other wine, there are TONS of different types of sake. The kind of sake varies depending on type of rice used, how it is milled, weather conditions, and hundreds of other factors. I am just now learning the names of a few types that I like.

Also like other wine, there are many different pairing options depending on your dish. A recent article describes a new trend of pairing sake with all kinds of food, including western cuisine. Unfortunately, if you have ordered Sake at a Japanese restaurant in America, they likely brought you some generic warm bottle of decent sake. This is often misleading though because you have many choices of sake.

Or you can just take what's in the vending machine!

If you are unfamiliar with Sake, or only had it in a Japanese steakhouse, allow me to recommend Nigorizake. Nigori (濁り) type sake is the easiest to spot because it is cloudy. It is also quite sweet and easy to drink. I prefer this type cold, not hot. If you don't like this type, sake is probably not for you. If you love this stuff, branch out and try the more dry or fruitier types to see what works best for you. There are so many types that it would be near impossible to dislike them all.

The sake to the left is Daiginjo, not Nigori, but still very very tasty. When I first started taking sake drinking seriously (for reasons other than just getting hammered) I bought these convenient little bottles so I didn't have to commit to something that I might not like.

Where's the rabu?

Here is a quick bit of disturbing information. Many marriages in Japan are sexless.

Really Evans?

Word.

What about all that kinky stuff we see in Japan, and all of the gorgeous women that make me feel tingly?

That is a great question to which I have no good answer to. This seems a bit surprising to me too, but a study was conducted and more than a third of the people asked did not have sex with their spouse for more than a year! That's like 3 million years in Evans time.

This is not to say that these couples are not having sex, they just aren't doing it with each other. In one of my first few weeks in Japan, some buddies and I wandered in to a place we thought was a maid cafe. It turns out, it was much more than that. This place offered a more 'expensive' service and gave you the option of paying extra to have the girl dress up in different costumes. After asking at the front desk what this place was, a large group of salarymen stumbled in and they were obviously hammered. Just so we were sure, we asked these drunk fools what this place did and they gave us the skinny, complete with hand gestures and sound effects (my favorite quote of the night had to be when they tried to explain it in english. "This is where they do the dicking." Freaking Priceless!)



Once we came out of shock that such a beautiful establishment exists, we started conversing with the salarymen. Turns out, most of them had wives...and kids. Go figure? These married men were just out enjoying a night with their coworkers and it didn't seem to phase them that they were about to pay hundreds of dollars for something they could get at home... Needless to say, that was the best team building exercise I had ever seen.